Werner von Braun
Nazi inventor of Werner’s Originals, abducted by the Americans after the Second World War to kickstart their sweet industry.

Sputnik
Sound a Russian spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Apollo
After the Russians sent a dog and the Americans sent a monkey into space, the Italians planned to send a chicken.

Launch
What Italians eat the chicken for.

Laika
Sound of a happy Italian astronaut.

The Eagle has landed
It’s after the chicken.

Soyuz
What vegetarian cosmonauts eat.

Shuttle
Catching a bus to the launchpad.

Space station
Where it leaves from.

Hello, Houston, we have a problem
You’re a crack addict, you can’t sing any more, and your looks have gone.

Trajectory
What Apollo 13 nearly was.

Gagarin
What space chicken makes you do.

Yuri
Astronauts have a special bag for this.

Moonwalk
One small dancestep for man.

Spacewalk
One giant pirouette for mankind.

Earthrise
When the Earth rises over the lunar horizon, reminding those few brave souls who have braved the hazards of space to travel to our only satellite and discover it a dead husk, that our planet is a priceless oasis of habitability in an inhospitable universe, and that we have an obligation to future generations of humanity to stop destroying it with our selfish greed. It’s also quite pretty and makes a nice pic.

UFO
What Alexei Leonov said to Moscow when they told him to go for the first spacewalk.

LEM
Liberal Democrat politician who looks and sounds like an alien.

NASA
Sound an American spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Little green man
Astronaut with travel sickness.

Capsule
What a sick astronaut takes.

Splashdown
Tricky manoeuvre performed on a toilet in zero gravity after eating a dodgy chicken.

Descent
I wouldn’t go in de space toilet for a while.

Launch pad
Home of single, swinging, astronauts.

Spacesuit
Cut to accommodate one’s space-helmet.

Launch window
Important to make sure this is shut.

Retro rockets
They’re slightly flared.

Solid-fuel booster
“You’re much better than that liquid fuel, you really are.”

Module
Part of the course: “How To Be An Astronaut”.

Chinese space programme
The countdown goes: “I’ll have a number 10, followed by a number three, followed by a number seven…”

European space programme
Run by the French, who plan to put a cheese-eating surrender-monkey into orbit.

British space programme
“The Sky At Night” with Patrick Moore.

Virgin Galactic
Richard Branson plans to go into space if he can find enough rich people to pay. There is a fund-raising page: http://www.sendthesmugannoyingtitintospace.com. The companion page, http://www.bringthesmugannoyingtitbackfromspace.com is not as popular.

Conclusion
Getting to the moon was a race with the Soviet Union. If we want to get to Mars, the Americans need another rival ideology to compete with. So COME ON YOU TALIBAN SPACEMEN!!!