Pit stop
It gets very sweaty in those cars.

Cockpits
Really bad underarms.

Pit wall
Erected to keep the stench away from the spectators.

Finishing straight
What every heterosexual driver does unless something very strange happens during the race.

Overtaking
Dangerous manoeuvre gradually being outlawed from Grand Prix racing.

Grid
Electricity system used to charge car batteries.

Pole Position
Where the dancers are in the club frequented by drivers the night before a race.

Lap times
Rota of private dances in the club on the night before a race.

Chicane
Cigarette smoked by French drivers.

Marshal
Official upholding the law during races in the Wild West.

Helmet
German driver.

McLaren
Make very fast baby buggies.

Gear change
When lap dancers change into their slips.

Slipstream
All the discarded negligees of the lap dancers.

DRS
Medical team.

V8
Nazi rocket-powered Grand Prix car.

Circuit
Essential to get the electricity from the battery to the starter motor.

Street circuit
Electricity from the grid that powers the roadlamps.

Wet circuit
The driver has been sweating too much on the electrics.

Skid marks
It’s not only your armpits that are sweaty.

Turbo
It’s so wet there’s a fish on the track.

Traction
Used to pull carts with all the straw bales in.

Grip
Not encouraged at the lap dancing club.

Exhaust.
Former haust.

Haust
Friend of Helmet.

Podium
Ancient Roman mp3 player.

Suspension
There’s none of this in Grand Prix racing. Everyone knows it’s the car that’s first at the first corner that will win.

Champagne
Drivers spray this all over each other at the end of the race because there’s no time to have a shower before the press conference.

Red flag
There’s a bull on the circuit.

Green flag
Someone has broken down.

Yellow flag
There’s a scared driver who wants to stop.

Black flag
The Grand Prix has been taken over by Islamic extremists.

Chequered flag
No-one’s sure what on earth is happening but everyone’s had enough of watching the cars go round and round in the same positions for two hours so it’s time to go home. Or back to the lap-dancing club, if you’re a driver.