Tag Archives: comedy

SMOKING

smoking

Origins
Sir Walter Raleigh was the inventor of smoking. He tried potatoes, but they didn’t burn very well, and ended up singeing the King of Spain’s beard. Mashed tobacco was just as bad an idea. Eventually he got it right.

Cigarette paper
Trade journal for tobacconists.

Fag
Public schoolboy detailed to buy cigarettes.

Tar
Informal response when someone offers you a cigarette.

Low tar
Informal response when you offer a Hobbit a cigarette.

Plain cigarettes
So strong they have to be smoked in the great outdoors.

Tip
Don’t smoke.

Rolling tobacco
Ancient pastime practised on the hillsides of Virginia.

Chewing tobacco
Lighting cigarettes has proved too tricky for some Americans.

Pipe tobacco
City-wide delivery system pioneered by the Victorians in London. Unfortunately one discarded match led to the city being nicknamed The Big Smoke.

Smoke ring
Secret organisation dedicated to clandestine indoor smoking.

Rough shag
Indulged in before a smoke.

Ready rubbed
Post coital smoke.

Ashtray
Noise smokers make when they sneeze.

Cigarette butt
Big ashtray.

Smokers cough
They do, they do.

Cigarette holder
Smoker.

Gitanes
Moi non plus.

Gauloises
The smell of France. Assuming you can got over the stench from the hole-in-the-floor toilets, the garlic breath, and the exhaust fumes from cars made from corrugated iron and onion peelings.

Marlboro man
Corpse.

Benson and Hedges
Comedy duo, whose biggest joke was: “I say, I say, I say – cigarette companies say they’ve got proof tobacco isn’t either addictive or dangerous!”. Smokers died laughing.

Cheroot
Wife of former prime minister.

Cigar
Sex toy of former president. Not related to the above. Definitely not related to the above.

Nicotine patches
Put on your jacket to cover the holes caused by burning ash.

Nicorette
Friend of Paris Hilton.

Nicotinell
Heavy-smoking orange seller of Restoration England.

Cancer
Star sign most smokers die under.

Conclusion
Your ash gets scattered.

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Reality TV

Reality TV
When television follows real, unscripted, ordinary events. Like when a middle-aged woman with learning difficulties is catapulted from obscurity, via stardom, then vilification, to the Priory in record time. Television just observes this natural behaviour.

Britain’s Got Talent
Well, maybe, but not the programme-makers, who, if they had any talent for English, would have called it “Britain HAS Talent”.

Piers Morgan
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. Didn’t have quite enough talent of his own to stay a national newspaper editor.

Simon Cowell
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent, Pop Idol, American Idol, and The X Factor. The reason his trouser waistband is so high is that he has a permanent erection at the thought of how many millions per second he is making.

Amanda Holden
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. It’s the contestants who prove the hypothesis.

Public vote
They also probably called it voting in the Middle Ages when groups of townspeople gathered around a girl with an unusual freckle, shouting, “BURN THE WITCH! BURN HER!! BURN HER TO ASHES!!!”

Pop Idol
Show where people become idols so the press can have a pop at them.

X Factor
Show where the winners become EX-stars even more quickly than they became stars.

Any Dream Will Do
Unless it’s the one where you are standing on Euston station with no trousers on, being hassled by an aggressive penguin that’s stealing all your giant marshmallows. That probably won’t impress Andrew Lloyd Wierdo.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
You have auditions. Like people have always done.

Fly on the wall
There are always flies around shit.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
Irony.

Bushtucker challenge
When failed Big Brother contestants have to eat out of Davina McCall’s b… hang on… you mean it isn’t?

Ant
What contestants have to eat during a bushtucker trial.

Dec
Area of a reality show around the lawn.

Big Brother
Show that, over the years, has featured a former drug addict, a sex addict, and series of opinionated, self-absorbed twats. And that’s just the presenters.

Diary room
Does not actually feature a diary as this would involve featuring people who can actually write.

Dannii Minogue
X Factor judge whose christening involved a vicar, a typewriter, and a sticky key.

Louis Walsh
X Factor judge who shows a remarkable keenness to groom… sorry, mentor… groups of young boys.

Boot camp
Louis Walsh’s shoes.

Gareth Gates
Singer with a terrible stutter who came second in the first series of Pop Idol. His stutter disappeared when he sang, but he doesn’t like to talk about it.

Fame Academy
Winners were David Sneddon and Alex Parks, which suggests it is less of a finishing school and more of a failing school.

Come Dine With Me
And do try the Hemlock Surprise.

Conclusion
You’re out of the house/room/jungle/academy, your dreams are in tatters, it’s raining and the whole world is talking about your personal problems. Still, at least they paid for your taxi to rehab. Then the taxi driver says you look just like that wanker on the telly…

Scientology

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L Ron Hubbard
Went to the cupboard, but the cupboard was bare. Except for some golden tablets. Which he popped and came up with…

Dianetics
Slimming system that works particularly well on people’s wallets.

Scientology
Word that combines the Latin “scientia”, meaning “skill”, and the Greek “ology”, meaning “getting tragically gullible people to hand over their cash”.

Beliefs
75 million years ago billions of aliens came to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners with no engines, stacked them around volcanoes and detonated hydrogen bombs. The souls of the aliens then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to do this today, making us all feel a bit poorly. Scientologists believe they can make lots of rich people believe this.

Thetan
What church elders get while using your money for theholiday on thebeach.

Questionnaire
In the hands of people who stop you in the street. Contains questions like, “If I smile at you like a demented Mormon, will you give me all your money?”.

Electropsychometer
Electric device designed to measure the number of bonkers people in Scientology. Has a particularly large screen.

Past lives
We are all aliens trapped in human bodies. It’s just that some human bodies are smaller than others (eg Tom Cruise), some are uglier than others (eg John Travolta), and some have brains that wouldn’t see the scam even if it involved a fair, a man in a fez, a fiver, and three upturned cups (eg Katie Holmes, Beck, Juliette Lewis, Jason Lee).

Cult
Tom Cruise.

Xenu
Warrior princess. Marginally more believable than Tom Cruise.

Auditing sessions
What your accountant never has to do again as the Church of Scientology has taken all your money.

Prison rehabilitation
Scientology is famous for trying to rehabilitate criminals and drug addicts. It is still trying with L Ron Hubbard.

The Way to Happiness
Scientology pamphlet describing its morality. This is not a large document.

Reincarnation
What the elders would need to spend all the money they have stolen collected.

Battlefield Earth
The French courts, where Scientology is trying to prove it is not a fraud.

Religion
But of course it is. It’s a religion. It is based on ludicrous events that can neither be proved nor disproved, is exceedingly well funded by blindly faithful devotees and does not take kindly to criticism.

Conclusion
We hear from their lawyers.

Pollution

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Car pollution
President Obama is so worried about the low quality of vehicle emissions in the US he is setting new national standards.

Lead pollution
Carbon dioxide. It’s way out in the lead.

Carbon
Pollutant with carbohydrate attachment, making it particularly heavy. This explains the damage carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, hydrocarbons, etc, do.

Heavy metal
Metal with lots of carbs on.

Light pollution
What we need instead.

Ozone
Area around the former millennium dome where traffic jams form during U2 gigs as thousands of music lovers clog the roads trying desperately to escape.

Noise pollution
U2 gigs.

Pollutant
Tiny creature responsible for pollution. EG Bono.

Acid rain
Popular in the late Sixties.

Toxins
Polluters from Dallas, Ft Worth etc.

Smog
Fog in Scandinavia. Pronouced “smerg”.

Emission
What Yorkshire secret agents go on.

Smoke
Point of a greenhouse.

Greenhouse gas
Smell of perspiration and clandestine cigarettes.

Vapour trail
Follows you as you return from the greenhouse.

Algae
Biggles’s navigator. During a victory roll over the Channel he noticed the seas were turning green. Like the cockpit. And his trousers. Eventually Biggles got the message and stopped doing victory rolls when Algae had a hangover.

CFC
Chelsea Football Club. Have polluted the Premier Division with vast amounts of dodgy Russian money.

Effluent
Kind of society that produces a lot of pollution.

Litter
Raised seat carried by flunkies that rich people use to avoid all the waste paper on the pavements.

Prius
What many eco-friendly car drivers are.

Particulate
Kind of people who are very careful about the sort pollution they emit.

Water pollution
Many young swimmers are not so careful.

Raw sewage
Common in Japan.

Sick building syndrome
It’s called a hospital…

Pesticide
Killing a cockroach.

Herbicide
Killing a bay tree.

Insecticide
Killing a pollutant.

Environmentalist
Person driven insane by pollution.

The Great Smog
Magician. His foul-mouthed performance in 1952 in London forced the government to introduce the Clean Air Act.

Conclusion
Thanks to President Obama, we’re all saved. For about five minutes longer than we would have been otherwise.