Tag Archives: topical humor

Scientology

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L Ron Hubbard
Went to the cupboard, but the cupboard was bare. Except for some golden tablets. Which he popped and came up with…

Dianetics
Slimming system that works particularly well on people’s wallets.

Scientology
Word that combines the Latin “scientia”, meaning “skill”, and the Greek “ology”, meaning “getting tragically gullible people to hand over their cash”.

Beliefs
75 million years ago billions of aliens came to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners with no engines, stacked them around volcanoes and detonated hydrogen bombs. The souls of the aliens then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to do this today, making us all feel a bit poorly. Scientologists believe they can make lots of rich people believe this.

Thetan
What church elders get while using your money for theholiday on thebeach.

Questionnaire
In the hands of people who stop you in the street. Contains questions like, “If I smile at you like a demented Mormon, will you give me all your money?”.

Electropsychometer
Electric device designed to measure the number of bonkers people in Scientology. Has a particularly large screen.

Past lives
We are all aliens trapped in human bodies. It’s just that some human bodies are smaller than others (eg Tom Cruise), some are uglier than others (eg John Travolta), and some have brains that wouldn’t see the scam even if it involved a fair, a man in a fez, a fiver, and three upturned cups (eg Katie Holmes, Beck, Juliette Lewis, Jason Lee).

Cult
Tom Cruise.

Xenu
Warrior princess. Marginally more believable than Tom Cruise.

Auditing sessions
What your accountant never has to do again as the Church of Scientology has taken all your money.

Prison rehabilitation
Scientology is famous for trying to rehabilitate criminals and drug addicts. It is still trying with L Ron Hubbard.

The Way to Happiness
Scientology pamphlet describing its morality. This is not a large document.

Reincarnation
What the elders would need to spend all the money they have stolen collected.

Battlefield Earth
The French courts, where Scientology is trying to prove it is not a fraud.

Religion
But of course it is. It’s a religion. It is based on ludicrous events that can neither be proved nor disproved, is exceedingly well funded by blindly faithful devotees and does not take kindly to criticism.

Conclusion
We hear from their lawyers.

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Pollution

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Car pollution
President Obama is so worried about the low quality of vehicle emissions in the US he is setting new national standards.

Lead pollution
Carbon dioxide. It’s way out in the lead.

Carbon
Pollutant with carbohydrate attachment, making it particularly heavy. This explains the damage carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, hydrocarbons, etc, do.

Heavy metal
Metal with lots of carbs on.

Light pollution
What we need instead.

Ozone
Area around the former millennium dome where traffic jams form during U2 gigs as thousands of music lovers clog the roads trying desperately to escape.

Noise pollution
U2 gigs.

Pollutant
Tiny creature responsible for pollution. EG Bono.

Acid rain
Popular in the late Sixties.

Toxins
Polluters from Dallas, Ft Worth etc.

Smog
Fog in Scandinavia. Pronouced “smerg”.

Emission
What Yorkshire secret agents go on.

Smoke
Point of a greenhouse.

Greenhouse gas
Smell of perspiration and clandestine cigarettes.

Vapour trail
Follows you as you return from the greenhouse.

Algae
Biggles’s navigator. During a victory roll over the Channel he noticed the seas were turning green. Like the cockpit. And his trousers. Eventually Biggles got the message and stopped doing victory rolls when Algae had a hangover.

CFC
Chelsea Football Club. Have polluted the Premier Division with vast amounts of dodgy Russian money.

Effluent
Kind of society that produces a lot of pollution.

Litter
Raised seat carried by flunkies that rich people use to avoid all the waste paper on the pavements.

Prius
What many eco-friendly car drivers are.

Particulate
Kind of people who are very careful about the sort pollution they emit.

Water pollution
Many young swimmers are not so careful.

Raw sewage
Common in Japan.

Sick building syndrome
It’s called a hospital…

Pesticide
Killing a cockroach.

Herbicide
Killing a bay tree.

Insecticide
Killing a pollutant.

Environmentalist
Person driven insane by pollution.

The Great Smog
Magician. His foul-mouthed performance in 1952 in London forced the government to introduce the Clean Air Act.

Conclusion
Thanks to President Obama, we’re all saved. For about five minutes longer than we would have been otherwise.