It was 1546 when the first bank opened in London. Not many people went in, as it was 16 minutes after they expected it to have closed.

The Square Mile
The home of banking in Britain. So called because bankers have a series of angles to get money off you.

What you make when you see their latest angle.

Bank Account
When the bank explains why it has charged £80 for a letter.

When you believe them.

Sounds right, spelt wrong.

The attractive assistant behind window number two.

Merchant banker
The bloke going out with the attractive assistant behind window number two.

Paying-in slip
Worn by the attractive assistant behind window number two.

Full of pieces of paper that you sign and which lose you money. Like betting slips and marriage certificates.

Ethical bank
Where you’re always in the green.

Offshore bank
For people whose assets are always liquid.

The Sign of the Black Horse
Where you go to drink liquid assets.

When you spill your pint.

In the red
Now you’ve moved onto wine.

In the black
And now Guinness.

Cash machine
High quality colour photocopier.

Unit of electricity. Powers cash machine.

Cash card
Roguish chap flaunting his money.

Smart card
Roguish chap who manages to never buy a round.

Credit card
He’s so believable.

Hiding your money under the mattress is a good alternative to a bank. We also recommend you leave the bedroom light on, as we don’t want to go stumbling around in the dark.

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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…