Swimming

Origins
Swimming was invented by the Venetians to get around their city before they had gondolas.

Captain Webb
The first man to swim through the Channel Tunnel. He had an advantage because he had no gaps between his fingers or toes. He also covered himself in goose-grease which made him very unpopular on arrival in France. This led to him being the first person to swim back, too.

Pool
A group of swimmers.

Swimming lane
Road where the pool is.

Dive
Seedy pool.

Racing dive
Seedy pool with a bookmaker’s.

Diving board
Conglomerate of businessmen who own and manage seedy pools.

Nose clip
Worn in smelly pools.

Goggle
Way of finding a swimming pool using the internet.

Lido
Waterproof board game.

Crawl
Begging to be allowed in the pool.

Belly flop
When you put on your swimwear, imagine yourself to be lithe and toned, and then see the awful truth in the mirror.

Waving
Polite way of drowning.

Treading water
You’re Jesus!

Water polo
Volkswagen driven into a pond by joyriders.

Swimming costume
Worn for formal swimming events.

Swimming cap
In the olden days, it was believed that girls could get pregnant by doing breast stroke.

Trunks
Bags used to carry swimming costume.

Rubber ring
See ‘swimming cap’.

Lifeguard
Swimmer wearing a polished breastplate and a furry hat. And riding a horse.

Doggy paddle
It’s chasing the horse.

Butterfly
There’s a ruddy zoo in there!

Conclusion
Swimming is not only good exercise, but can also be a great way to meet people. And then throw them out of the lifeboat.

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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…

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