Charles II

Civil War
Everyone sat around drinking tea and agreeing on what a charming day it was, and Oliver Cromwell said but wouldn’t it be just spiffing if the king would step aside, what?

Royal Oak
Charles hid in a pub to escape Cromwell. This worked because the Puritans were all teetotallers and couldn’t go in.

Merry Monarch
Side-effect of hiding in a pub.

Solemn League and Covenant
Charles told his wife he wouldn’t drink any more.

Great Plague
Abstinence.

Great Fire
Generally crackling away in the corner of the Royal Oak.

Declaration of Indulgence
Eventually he gave in and announced: “I, Charles, am going to the pub to get drunk and chat up the barmaids and orange-sellers.

Restoration
When Charles eventually took throne he had aged a bit and needed touching up.

Nell Gwynne
Did the touching up.

Nell Gwynne’s oranges
She favoured the perma-tanned look.

Succession
He had a lot of mistresses.

Raising an army
And a lot of children.

Escape to France
He needed a break from the noise made by all the kids.

Priest hole
Effect of firing a pistol at a religious leader.

Cavalier Parliament
MPs came and went when they wanted and didn’t take things very seriously while they were there.

Reigning monarch
How he put out the Fire of London.

1661 Corporation Act
Charles formed the BBC.

Test Act
He told the BBC it had to show the cricket.

Titus Oates
Central heating for kings.

Deathbed conversion
They turned it into a sideboard.

Conclusion
Charles was lucky to die before the Child Support Agency was formed.

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