Christmas as we know it was started in Victorian times by Dr Pepper of the Coca-Cola company when he made Santa Claus dress in red to hide the blood of the child chimney sweeps he met on the way down.

Santa Claus
Mythical half man – half reindeer figure with a red nose who used to throw gifts down chimneys but started being more careful after he threw a Barbie doll down one and killed the little match girl, thereby starting the Great Fire of London.

Christmas Eve
Santa’s wife.

Christmas Day
People always say Christmas is getting earlier every year. They are right. This year’s Christmas Day is in fact Christmas Day 2017.

This tradition started during the 1812 overture when a Mr Scrooge refused to give his employees the day off, saying “Bob, scratch it!”. But this led to the death of Bob’s child, little Nell (which gives us the phrase “death Nell”) so she sent the ghost of a huge Christmas Present to haunt Scrooge until he changed his mind. Eventually he did, and gave all his employees one-legged orphans to eat over Christmas.

Over Christmas it is considered polite, mainly by women, to invite every single member of your bloody family round to stay. They justify this by saying; “Goodwill to all men, Perry”. When you wittily counter this by saying; “why don’t you invite Alfie, then”, they go mental and you have to sleep in the garage for a bit. This is bearable because, after last year, you’ve already stored your beer and fags there.

Singing Loudly in the Street
Your normal repertoire coming back from the pub, of ‘Delilah’, ‘Y.M.C.A.’ and ‘It’s Raining Men’ is all fine and dandy for the summer months, despite what the letters in the local papers and the magistrates say. Over Christmas, however, it is customary to sing songs by Carol King.

The Queen
Every year she talks direct to the country on Christmas day live from Balamory, the country goes, “eh?!”, and turns back to see Alexander McQueen jump a barbed wire fence in The Great Escape to Victory, where he plays a goalkeeper taken hostage by Hitler.

When the Queen does a really bad speech.

Roast chicken
What Premiership footballers do on Christmas Day.

Roast potatoes.
More common among the lower leagues.

See “Roast chicken”.

Some chickens are lucky and get away with just this.

What the mole on your grandmother’s chin appears to be doing.

Trivial Pursuit
Everyone is stunned when your grandmother wins by displaying an awesome knowledge of the Periodic Table, the geography of Chile and Australian Rugby League 1975-1985. Then you discover the answer cards smell of lavender oil, hallways and cat-piss. You want to rise majestically to your feet to denounce the old witch as a cheat but you have forgotten how to stand up.

Magical plant invented by the Druids which gives you the power to kiss anyone you want. So they say. In fact, it is no such thing. All you get for an evening carting mistletoe about in the hope of a snog is a pocketful of white, sticky, stuff.

You will never ever ever spend Christmas with your relatives again. You will go away next year to a Muslim country. And you will forget this resolution on the first day of November, as you do every year.

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