Origins
Mountaineering began in the Swiss Alps, when locals tried to get as far as possible away from the noise of cuckoo clocks.

Andes
South Americans got fed up of travelling to Europe to climb, and eventually discovered their own range which were much closer, or, in their broken English, ‘andy.

Pyrenees
You need a good one to climb mountains.

Everest
So cold it inspired the invention of double-glazing.

Kilimanjaro
Named because the man Jaro died trying to climb it .

Nunatak
When religious fundamentalists decide mountaineers are damaging God’s Earth.

Base camp
Mountaineers get up to all kinds of naughtiness waiting to start climbing.

Edmund Hillary
Husband and wife mountaineers.

Sherpa tensing
When a sherpa senses trouble.

Ice-axe
Melts in normal temperatures.

Snow goggles
Once again, melt in normal temperatures.

Snow shoes
This is getting silly.

Crampon
Pains mountaineers get in their extremities.

Alpine pass
See base camp.

Rock face
Blank expression used playing poker on K2.

K2
Ancestor of K9.

Ice screws
Once again, see base camp.

Avalanche
To stop for food in the Italian Alps.

Glaciers
Mints favoured by climbers.

Matterhorn
What mountaineers sport in base camp.

Crevasse
Condition caused by falling backwards into a deep hole.

Himalaya
Warning to female climbers upon entering base camp.

Frostbite
Mountaineering version of a hickey.

Overhang
What most people have after a night in base camp.

Piton
What mountaineers are paid.

Conclusion
Climbers tend to lose toes. This is why mountains are measured in feet.