Origins
Religious people in the third century decided to cut themselves off from the world, perform strange rituals, and have their food and drink restricted. They were the first “Big Brother” house. Those who couldn’t take it had to shout: “I’m a Celibate, Get Me Out Of Here”.

Holy orders
Half a dozen bibles and a candlestick please.

Dominicans
Republican monks.

Benedictines
Liqueur-making brothers most likely to find themselves in the Priory.

Trappists
Hunting monks who remain silent so as not to scare off their prey.

Silent order
The only way Trappists can ring for a pizza.

Tonsure
When monks stand up after praying, they often forget that many monasteries have low ceilings. The resultant injuries lead to the gradual wearing away of the hair on the top of their heads.

Cassocks
What they say when they hit their heads.

Franciscans
Californians who wear flowers in their tonsure.

Bede
Franciscans wear several of these around their neck.

Abbey
Building society for monks.

Friary
Canteen for monks.

Habit
Furniture shop for monks.

Vestments
What they put in the Abbey.

Novice
Horse in the 3.30 at Kempton. Not worth losing your vestment on.

Vespers
Two-wheeled transport used to get around large monasteries.

Cloisters
Where monks go skiing.

Cowls
Where monks go yachting.

Vocation
When monks go skiing or yachting.

Prior
What a lot of monks have. It’s why they’re in cells.

Conclusion
Monk numbers are falling. This is hardly surprising as they don’t breed that well.