When television follows real, unscripted, ordinary events. Like when a middle-aged woman with learning difficulties is catapulted from obscurity, via stardom, then vilification, to the Priory in record time. Television just observes this natural behaviour.
Britain’s Got Talent
Well, maybe, but not the programme-makers, who, if they had any talent for English, would have called it “Britain HAS Talent”.
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. Didn’t have quite enough talent of his own to stay a national newspaper editor.
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent, Pop Idol, American Idol, and The X Factor. The reason his trouser waistband is so high is that he has a permanent erection at the thought of how many millions per second he is making.
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. It’s the contestants who prove the hypothesis.
They also probably called it voting in the Middle Ages when groups of townspeople gathered around a girl with an unusual freckle, shouting, “BURN THE WITCH! BURN HER!! BURN HER TO ASHES!!!”
Show where people become idols so the press can have a pop at them.
Show where the winners become EX-stars even more quickly than they became stars.
Any Dream Will Do
Unless it’s the one where you are standing on Euston station with no trousers on, being hassled by an aggressive penguin that’s stealing all your giant marshmallows. That probably won’t impress Andrew Lloyd Wierdo.
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
You have auditions. Like people have always done.
Fly on the wall
There are always flies around shit.
I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
When failed Big Brother contestants have to eat out of Davina McCall’s b… hang on… you mean it isn’t?
What contestants have to eat during a bushtucker trial.
Area of a reality show around the lawn.
Show that, over the years, has featured a former drug addict, a sex addict, and series of opinionated, self-absorbed twats. And that’s just the presenters.
Does not actually feature a diary as this would involve featuring people who can actually write.
X Factor judge whose christening involved a vicar, a typewriter, and a sticky key.
X Factor judge who shows a remarkable keenness to groom… sorry, mentor… groups of young boys.
Louis Walsh’s shoes.
Singer with a terrible stutter who came second in the first series of Pop Idol. His stutter disappeared when he sang, but he doesn’t like to talk about it.
Winners were David Sneddon and Alex Parks, which suggests it is less of a finishing school and more of a failing school.
Come Dine With Me
And do try the Hemlock Surprise.
You’re out of the house/room/jungle/academy, your dreams are in tatters, it’s raining and the whole world is talking about your personal problems. Still, at least they paid for your taxi to rehab. Then the taxi driver says you look just like that wanker on the telly…