Party
What MPs have at our expense.

Conservative
Only claiming for one home, one gardener, and a single porn channel.

Liberal
Claiming for two homes, two gardeners, and the full Sky Naughty package.

Labour
A successful claim for seven houses, all groceries, a lifetime’s supply of dog food, moat cleaners, private airport, and a home cinema with a library of blue movies.

Big majority
Number of MPs who fiddle their expenses.

Recount
What MPs do if it doesn’t look like they’re claiming enough.

Safe seat
Armchair that has been paid for in full. By the taxpayer. See Safe Table, Safe Sideboard, Safe TV, etc.

Cabinet
Also paid for on expenses.

Chief whip
Character in porn movie watched by Home Secretary’s husband.

Black Rod
See above.

Election
Feature of Chinese porn move watched by Home Secretary’s husband.

Speaker
Paid for by the taxpayer, along with the amplifier, CD player and turntable.

Election address
You can be sure it’s not where they actually live.

Houses of Parliament
The only houses that MPs do not claim for.

Treasury
Otherwise known as an MP’s second home.

Exchequer
MP who now prefers cash.

Budget
What MPs don’t need to do.

Number 10
What they use to multiply the number they first thought of.

White paper
MPs need lots of this for their claims.

Despatch box
How they send off their expenses claims. Envelopes are too small.

Bill
What they send us.

Point of order
Moment an MP is standing at the counter in Argos with a list as long as their arm.

Act
What MPs do on TV, radio, etc when trying to look sorry.

Conclusion
A week is a long time in politics. Especially when you can claim for every single day.