Thomas Edison
Invented the lightbulb. Without it he couldn’t see how to work his phonograph.

Mrs Edison was very, very cross at the amount of time her husband was spending in the outhouse.

What Mr Edison’s marriage hung by.

Electric current
Early attempts to fit dried fruit with a plug failed to produce much illumination.

You have to be over 18 to buy a bulb.

Screw fitting
We advise you to ignore this advice and use your hands instead.

Bayonet fitting
When British soldiers in the First World War ran out of daggers to attach to their rifles, they fell back on lightbulbs. This was very painful. The ones they didn’t break they attached to their guns. Unfortunately, the lightbulbs made them an easy target, especially as the extension leads meant they couldn’t run very far.

Street light
Urban bulb that won’t take any shit.

Bedside lamp
Bulb with a pleasant manner.

Frosted bulbs

Energy-saving bulb
You don’t have to climb precariously on a chair every couple of weeks to replace it.

Halogen lamp
You need antihistamines to sit under one of these.

Strip light
A bulb so powerful you have to take your clothes off to cool down.

Arc light
Used to count the animals in two by two.

The smell of bread. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

There’s one inside every lightbulb. But bugger me if I can see it.

Fungal infection of a screw fitting.

What the end of the lightbulb is doing.

“Illuminatory, my dear Watson”.

Exclamation when you can’t believe another one has blown.

Ninety per cent of the energy used by a lightbulb is wasted as heat. Ninety percent of the energy used by someone fitting a lightbulb is wasted as swearing.

Frame used by old people to stand up while changing lightbulbs.

1980s singer. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?



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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…

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