Death certificate
You won’t be allowed to die unless you get one of these. Questions include: Do you dress predominantly in beige? Do you tut every time you turn the TV on? Do you smell faintly of catfood even after a shower?

Grim Reaper
The Jolly Reaper, the Reaper with the Big Fat Smile, and the Singing, Dancing Reaper in the Pantaloons didn’t really cut it.

Last words
Zymurgy, Zythepsary, and Zythum.

Dying wish

Clinical death
An expertly performed demise.

You think you are, and then it kills you.

Some people take a very long time to reach full stop.

Time to meet your maker
And ask for a refund.

Absence of vital signs
Often associated with death. Involves lack of directions such as “Blind Bend”, “Danger, 20,000 Volts”, and “Quicksand”.

You shroud have driven more slowly.

Beer drunk at a wake.

Lying in state
When the undertaker hasn’t had a chance to tidy up the corpse.

Laying out the body
Having a fight with the corpse because you’ve drunk too much coroner.

Rogueish corpse that eyes up young ladies with bounderish intent.

Place where bodies are burned. It helps to be dead first.

What smoke comes out of at the crematorium.

Tall structure used for cremation in ancient times. The body is placed a long way up so mourners can’t hear the screams if the witchdoctors have got it wrong. Has been suggested for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher.

Unit of electricity used to execute juvenile or mentally disturbed ethnic minority Americans.

When a couple dies, they have his and hearse corteges.

State funeral

Greeting spoken at funerals in the West Country.

If you’ve got one of these, you’re a scientist. Albeit a dead scientist.

French accent. Used when French doctors are giving patients mauvais news.

Football team comprised of Italian gravediggers.

Way a footballer can die.

Six feet under
Death of a threesome.

Curious name for celebration when this is the last thing the deceased is expected to do.

What dead pop stars continue to do after death.

What classical musicians do after death.

“If I should die, think only this of me”
That there is some corner of a foreign field that will be forever attractive to local dogs.

“Rage against the dying of the light”
Especially when it’s your last cigarette.

“Death, where is thy sting?”
Unfortunate mix-up between Grim Reaper and honeybee.

“The evil that men do is oft interred with their bones”
But not always. Michael Jackson’s songs are all over the radio.

Bit like an afterparty. Promises lots of fun, but you’re not sure if you’ll be let in even if you can find it in the first place.

The idea that you’ll come back as a butterfly or a beetle. Scientists have squashed this notion.


Or is it?…

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