Death certificate
You won’t be allowed to die unless you get one of these. Questions include: Do you dress predominantly in beige? Do you tut every time you turn the TV on? Do you smell faintly of catfood even after a shower?

Grim Reaper
The Jolly Reaper, the Reaper with the Big Fat Smile, and the Singing, Dancing Reaper in the Pantaloons didn’t really cut it.

Last words
Zymurgy, Zythepsary, and Zythum.

Dying wish
HELP!!!!!!

Clinical death
An expertly performed demise.

Overdose
You think you are, and then it kills you.

Coma
Some people take a very long time to reach full stop.

Time to meet your maker
And ask for a refund.

Absence of vital signs
Often associated with death. Involves lack of directions such as “Blind Bend”, “Danger, 20,000 Volts”, and “Quicksand”.

Shroud
You shroud have driven more slowly.

Coroner
Beer drunk at a wake.

Lying in state
When the undertaker hasn’t had a chance to tidy up the corpse.

Laying out the body
Having a fight with the corpse because you’ve drunk too much coroner.

Cadaver
Rogueish corpse that eyes up young ladies with bounderish intent.

Crematorium
Place where bodies are burned. It helps to be dead first.

Funeral
What smoke comes out of at the crematorium.

Pyre
Tall structure used for cremation in ancient times. The body is placed a long way up so mourners can’t hear the screams if the witchdoctors have got it wrong. Has been suggested for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher.

Vault
Unit of electricity used to execute juvenile or mentally disturbed ethnic minority Americans.

Hearse
When a couple dies, they have his and hearse corteges.

State funeral
Funeral!

Mourner
Greeting spoken at funerals in the West Country.

Elegy
If you’ve got one of these, you’re a scientist. Albeit a dead scientist.

Grave
French accent. Used when French doctors are giving patients mauvais news.

Inter
Football team comprised of Italian gravediggers.

Headstone
Way a footballer can die.

Six feet under
Death of a threesome.

Wake
Curious name for celebration when this is the last thing the deceased is expected to do.

Urn
What dead pop stars continue to do after death.

Decompose
What classical musicians do after death.

“If I should die, think only this of me”
That there is some corner of a foreign field that will be forever attractive to local dogs.

“Rage against the dying of the light”
Especially when it’s your last cigarette.

“Death, where is thy sting?”
Unfortunate mix-up between Grim Reaper and honeybee.

“The evil that men do is oft interred with their bones”
But not always. Michael Jackson’s songs are all over the radio.

Afterlife
Bit like an afterparty. Promises lots of fun, but you’re not sure if you’ll be let in even if you can find it in the first place.

Reincarnation
The idea that you’ll come back as a butterfly or a beetle. Scientists have squashed this notion.

Will
Won’t.

Conclusion
Or is it?…