Origins
Early Ikea salesmen. If you didn’t buy their gear, they’d flog you instead. If you still resisted, they’d burn your village. THEN you’d need their ruddy furniture!

Thor
How a Viking felt if he hadn’t sold anything.

Horned Helmet
Alternative use for the Skagga salad bowl.

Longship
A forerunner of the modern North Sea ferry. Can be carried overland after being disassembled and placed in a flat-pack.

Plunder
What a seasick Viking does over the side of his longship.

Pillage
Viking aspirins. Useful after hours of trying to reassemble the longship.

Vinland
Viking wine bar.

Fjord
Viking car.

Rune Stones
Viking rock band whose CDs were often found in a Fjords glovebox. Had a big hit with “I Can’t Get No Rattan Hall Runners”.

Valhalla
Entrance corridor in a Viking house.

Danelaw
Area of Northern Britain where cold-calling and door-to-door selling was legal.

Battleaxe
Last resort to disassemble the longship.

Odin
Putting the longship back together can be noisy.

Battle of Stamford Bridge
When FC Copenhagen supporters arrived to play Chelsea but were so appalled by the lack of bent pine seating that they went on the rampage in the local branch of DFS.

Saga
Travel company for retired Vikings keen to revisit their old stomping grounds.

Conclusion
The Viking invasion succeeded because the English ignored defence to queue for hours in a glorified warehouse before going home to spend two days trying to find slat 4B and screw 11F. Only when Alfred the Great disassembled the country (or divided it in two) and threw away the allen key were the Vikings finally repelled.