Conquistadors, The

Accident
South America was discovered accidentally by the Spanish while they were trying to find the north-west passage.

Cortes
The leader of the expedition was Fernando Cortes, immortalised in Abba’s hit “Can you hear the drums, Fernando”. The drums were those of the Incas. They can also be heard on early Genesis albums.

Incas
The Incas were so called because they were the only tribe in South America who had ink (although the Mayans may have had it).

Mayans
People say Mayan pyramid-builders copied the Egyptians, which is rubbish. Even if a really tall bloke stood on top of a Mayan pyramid, he couldn’t see Cairo.

The Amazon
When the Spanish saw the rainforest they said “That’s amazin’”, which the natives misheard as “Amazon”. This was a happy coincidence because the river running through it was already called the Amazon.

Gold
The natives were killed by the Spanish because they wanted their gold. The invaders could have just asked them for it, but they didn’t speak the language.

Christianity
The Spanish didn’t like the way the locals killed each other in bloody religious sacrifices, so they converted them to Christianity, so they could kill each other in bloody religious purges.

Gods
Just 200 Spaniards conquered all of South America because the natives thought they were fair skinned gods. This was because the Spanish didn’t get out as much as they do now as sunbathing hadn’t been invented.

Conclusion
The Spanish destroyed most of ancient South America, leaving only a few monuments, like Macchu Pingu, the Nascar racetracks, and Bianca Jagger.

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