Flying was invented by the Wright Brothers because ships were too restful, comfortable, and civilised.

Pilots get these after learning to fly. Some also get fuselages, cockpits, and tails.

Flight plan
Take off, carry on a bit, then land.

Often receding in older pilots.

Room in the cockpit for a quiff.

Landing gear
Also recedes in older pilots.

What a pilot does with his wages.

Seat at the front of the plane.

What a good pilot does on the map round the destination.

Long haul
Pushing a trolley through a jumbo jet.

First class
Extra legroom.

Business class

Economy class

In-flight meal
Gets rid of hunger pangs at a stroke. As long as you don’t eat it.

You’ve eaten the in-flight meal, haven’t you?

Yes, you have.

Film shown on long journeys.

Baggage handler
Repeat offender with a Stanley knife.

Nervous flyers will grab onto anything.

Bracing position
Sticking your head outside at 33,000 feet going at 420 mph.

Window seat
Essential to the bracing position.

Pressurised cabin
When the crew have an argument with a drunk passenger.

Flight socks
Used to deal with drunk passengers.

Vapour trail
Everybody ate the in-flight meal.

Overhead locker
In an emergency, designed to fall open and knock passengers unconscious so they won’t panic.

Black box
What bad pilots end up in.

Flying is a great way to get to faraway places, as long as you don’t mind arriving without your luggage, with a blood clot, and with intestinal juices staining your shirt.

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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…