Joan of Arc

Origins
Joan was born in Domremy. This is short for Domremy Fah-Soh-Lah-Ti-Doh.

Maid of Orleans
She came to prominence when she started tidying up battlefields on her way home from school.

Rouen
Until then, the French army was going to rack and Rouen.

Relief
The besieged Frenchmen at Orleans were very relieved to find they could now lose more neatly.

Hundred Years’ War
Forerunner of the US invasion of Iraq.

Battle for the throne
With all the English pretenders, no one could get in the royal bathroom.

Visions
Imagining the chaos, Joan announced that God told her it was OK to miss school to deal with the invaders.

Reims
But it took loads of paper to get her mother’s signature right on the note.

Saint
She had to have the patience of one. Every time she cleaned up a battlefield, another army arrived and made it messy again.

Trial
Joan had to ride sidesaddle in full armour.

Retrial
It always took her several goes to get on.

Canonisation
One of the ways she beat the English was to use artillery.

Armour
Joan’s armour was particularly scary as it featured a padded leather blazer, chain-mail pinnie and a blood-soaked satchel.

Sword
Really a ruler.

The King’s favour
She brought him an apple.

Capture
Joan was eventually caught by the Burgundians, which is particularly painful in full armour. This followed a skirmish in her rearguard, which isn’t nice in itself.

Heresy
Much of what Joan was accused of was based on heresy evidence.

Conclusion
Joan eventually met her match.

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