Romans, The


Built on seven hills. At first the inhabitants couldn’t decide which hill gave the best view so they used to wander around the hills, or roam, which is how the place got its name.


The founder of Rome, and then of an intergalactic empire in alliance with the Klingons.


His uncle.


When he got the job of emperor, Julius decided to take a wife and asked candidates to parade at the Coliseum – Rome’s biggest dinner-dancing venue. The winner was Miss Egypt. Julius yelled “Caesar!” (Latin for “Seize her!”) and stuck his thumb up, which made everyone take notice and so the name stuck.

Mark Anthony

Julius’ best man at his wedding to Miss Egypt, who then copped off with the bride after the reception.


Known for scoffing all the pizzas at orgies. “Ate two Brutus?”, was a common refrain.

The Ides of March

March was an inventor whose contraptions were highly dangerous. The ‘A’ in ‘Ides’ has worn off over the centurions, and the phrase should actually be “Beware the ideas of March”. One of March’s schemes resulted in Caesars’ death when his “Get-Your-Mates-To-Cut-You-Out-Of-Your-Toga-To-Save-Time” invention went tragically wrong.


Played with the testicles of the defeated chieftains.


France. A Roman soldier would find it extremely gaul-ing having to leave Italy for somewhere that stank of garlic.

Pontius Pilate

Early, extremely unsuccessful Roman aviator. In the end he washed his hands of it and became a politician.


Type of Roman soldier extremely prone to disease.

Roman Numerals

Complicated way of counting invented by the Romans so the rest of Europe couldn’t work out they were stealing all their money during the occupation.

Hadrian’s Wall

Hadrian is now considered the worst maze builder ever .


The Romans built many things that make modern Rome what it is today: old. The Romans also built lots of roads, but they all led to Rome. This made it easy for invading tribes to find them. It also made it easy for animals. The fall of the Roman empire was eventually caused by gibbons.

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