Origins
First brewed by Mayan women to get Mayan men to come back to their pyramid after an evening drinking fermented leaves and kicking decapitated heads around.

Mug
Modern coffee-drinker who pays three quid to wait five minutes for a cardboard cup of something impossible to pronounce and too hot to pick up.

Latte
What waiting five minutes for your coffee to cool down makes you.

Filter
Three quid a cup keeps the riff-raff out.

Coffee house
Irritating non-descript background music played in cafes where they charge three quid a cup.

Mocha
Former member of the Brazilian Beatles, along with Juan Georges and Gringo.

Caffeine
Central character in Wuthering Heights. Her coffee consumption was so much that she stayed awake long after she died.

Percolator
Central character in a film with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Decaffeinated
Heathcliff towards the end of Wuthering Heights.

Espresso, Capuccino, and Americano
Central characters in a film about teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Coffee break
Only cheap coffee does this.

Roasting
What a coffee worker gets for stealing beans.

Coffee plant
Hiding the stolen beans on somebody else.

Coffee shop
Grassing on a coffee planter.

Barista
Lawyer who defends those accused of coffee-planting.

Turkish coffee
Can also be used to weatherproof the garden fence.

Jamaican coffee
Can also be smoked.

Irish coffee
Tea.

Coffee pot
See Jamaican coffee.

Cafe au lait
Womble. Lives in a house made from discarded cardboard receptacles.

Conclusion
Would you like to come up for a coffee?