Surgery

Origins
Prehistoric men used to cut holes in their skulls. Archaeologists took this as evidence of early medicine. In fact it is evidence of early hangovers.

Hippocratic oath
“Damn, I didn’t mean to cut that off!” Dr Hippocrates was very clumsy.

Pre-Op
Deciding you’re going to do some surgery tomorrow.

Post-Op
Doing it by mail.

Chloroform
Piece of paper needed to order more anaesthetic.

Anaesthetist
Surgeon who doesn’t believe in a God.

Operating table
Shows which surgeons have been out with which nurses.

Suture
What a surgeon says when a female nurse has a new hairdo.

Sterile atmosphere
Nurse’s reaction to being chatted up by the surgeon.

Needle
What the surgeon gets in a sterile atmosphere.

Retractor
Patient nervous because the surgeon’s not paying enough attention.

Keyhole surgery
For very nervous patients who don’t want to be in the same room as the surgeon.

Kidney Dish
Handsome renal patient the nurse is dating.

Clamp
What a surgeon can get in their muscles during a long procedure.

Scalpel
Feature of Native American medicine.

Abdominal surgery
Performed on Yetis.

Plastic surgery
So expensive you need your credit card

Appendix
Bit at the back of the surgeon’s manual.

Swabs
Unruly sailors who assist with operations at sea.

Hip op
Rap music on the surgeon’s iPod.

Liposuction
When the doctor takes a look at your injuries and purses his mouth while inhaling deeply.

Lobotomy
You need this like a hole in the head

Vasectomy
Necessary if the patient has sat on a floral display.

Close up, nurse.
That surgeon’s still on the pull.

Conclusion
Most of the time the patient comes round. And sometimes the nurse does, too.

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