Social Networking

Computer geeks who didn’t get out a lot finally found a way of getting all the people who DID get out a lot to talk to them.

It’s not. It’s Rupert Murdoch’s, and you are handing him all your private details. That’s like some criminal writing “My Stuff” instead of “Swag” on his bag and you happily letting him walk off with your property.

Facebook friend
Online version of pub friend (someone who will buy you a pint but chat up your girlfriend without a second thought). Online, someone who will sent you a little picture of a pint, think it’s funny, and chat up your girlfriend without a second thought.

Facebook event
When someone types something worth reading.

What Yorkshire folk go online t’do.

Member of a band who recorded The Birdie Song in the 1970s, and, as a result, is so short of friends that he has had to resort to online social networking.

Social networking site for the hygienically challenged.

What your eyes do after several hours social networking.

What you do to an online friend when you can’t think of anything to say. So it’s less of a friendly shove and more of an admission that you have nothing at all in common.

Online credit
When you believe you are cyber-chatting to the real Drew Barrymore and not some bloke in Peckham.


Profile picture
Curiously, almost all of them are taken front-on.

What some girls’ pictures make you do.

When you take online flirting seriously.

What you do after logon.

You have to resort to this if your computer breaks down. But it makes social networking very slow, and poking impossible for those without detachable fingers.

Facebook wall
You hit it after 15 hours solid online chat. Your neck has frozen solid, you have DVT in both legs, and your eyes are more bloodshot than Amy Winehouse after a night with Pete Doherty and Kate Moss.

Friends Reunited
And marriages dissolved.

Status update
Single again.

Status of a dead person.

Some people only reveal their sexual orientation online.

You only have time to order a Chinese takeaway.

It’s easier to fake how you feel about a friend online.

What you need if you’ve been logging on too strenuously.

The dark side of your personality that comes out online.

Fan page
It can get hot at that computer after eight hours.

Pilot who uses Facebook.

Coming in to land at Heathrow… damn, just dropped my iPhone… just need to move the joystick to reach iiiiiiiiiiii…

The pilot logs off…


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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…

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