Cosmology

Origins
Space has always been there. It is empty of everything. Except galaxies, stars, comets, planets, dust clouds and so on.

Dark matter
And possibly this, but scientists can’t actually find it.

SETI
Maybe it’s under the sofa.

Steady state theory
This suggests that nothing changes very much in the universe. West Ham fans tend to subscribe to this.

Expanding universe
This says space is getting bigger all the time. Which would be why our bathroom lino no longer quite reaches the walls.

Space-time continuum
A phrase uttered at regular intervals by Mr Spock in Star Trek to give the impression he is more intelligent than anyone else. Scientists have picked up on this trick.

Wormholes
These are holes in space, which essentially means they are places where, instead of nothing, there is nothing.

Solar wind
Dried food for astronauts has unfortunate after-effects.

Pulsar
Space lentil. Responsible for solar wind.

Quasar
How you feel if you eat an uncooked pulsar.

A brief history of time
Demonstration of relativity. What appears to be a short book is, once you start it, revealed to be so long that no one has ever got to the end.

Black hole
“A brief history of time.”

Big Bang
Slamming “A Brief History of Time” shut.

String theory
The outlandish notion that one day fibres could somehow be woven together to form a sort of twine that may possibly in the far-distant future be used to tie things.

Super-String theory
Cosmologist cartoon hero

Conclusion
Giving your copy of “A Brief History of Time” to a jumble sale.

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