Origins
The home of golf is named after St Andrew, an early Christian martyr crucified for moving his ball.

Club
Team of golfers.

Iron
Used to press silly trousers.

Fairway
The proper way to play.

Green
In general, the grass should be this colour.

Hole in one
Painful accident when the ball shoots upwards upon being struck.

Golf ball
Condition resulting from a hole in one.

Tee
Refreshment.

Tee off
The café is closed.

Sand wedge
Often consumed with tee.

Slice
Cake that follows.

Caddy
Container for the tee.

Putt
Sound of a motorised golf cart.

Driver
Person in charge of the motorised golf cart.

Long putt
Limousine style golf cart.

Bunker
Hitler’s underground golf course.

Bunker shot
Assassination attempt.

Raking the bunker
Having a go with a machine gun.

Tiger Woods
Dangerous place to lose your ball.

Niblick
What you do to a sand wedge.

Rough
How you feel if you don’t get tee and a sand wedge.

Handicap
Lack of tee and sand wedge.

Ryder Cup
Transatlantic competition between television commentators.

Foursome
What some golfers get up to after playing.

Golf pro
See Foursome.

Swing
See Golf Pro.

Four-ball
Extremely unusual medical condition

Drop ball
See hole in one.

Bad lie
“I promise I haven’t moved my ball closer to the hole.”

Hazard
Guessing how many attempts you’ve had to hit the ball.

Water hazard
Too many cups of tee means there’s someone looking for a private place in the rough.

Conclusion
Going home after spending six hours unsuccessfully looking for a lost ball.