Tuition fee
Educational payment. As your overdraft reaches five figures, you learn never to trust a Labour government again.

Graduation
When, in a grand ceremony, successful students are presented with an illuminated scroll detailing their monthly payments for the next 40 years.

Mortar board
At graduation students are also presented with one of these on the basis that their best hope is to look for work as a brickie.

Cape
Or a superhero.

Examination
What you need on your head if you think creating a nation of debtors is a good idea.

Retake
What every student does when they get their first student loan statement.

Resit
Many have to sit down again in shock.

Student balls
What the Government has cleverly managed to remove.

Student union
Sex is the only entertainment they can afford.

Don
Mafia mastermind behind the education racket.

Vice chancellor
The Don’s best henchperson with the thumbscrew. Don’t fall behind with your repayments.

Social mobility
You won’t have this after the Don has broken your legs.

Top-up fee
What you can’t afford on your phone any more.

Undergraduate
Student who has taken the ultimate way out.

Postgraduate
Student who supplements their income delivering mail.

Doctorate
What the government tries to do to the evidence that tuition fees are making education too expensive for poor people.

Living expenses
They just seem to grow of their own accord.

Halls
Student are forced to live in corridors.

Faculties
What you will have lost by the time you pay off your student debt.

Bachelor’s degree
You’ll be too poor to get married.

MA
Who you’ll have to sponge money off to eat.

BA
I hear they may need baggage handlers.

AA
It’ll drive you to drink

PhD
Sound of a student’s jaw hitting the floor when they open their gas bill.

Careers fair
Fantasy entertainment.

Reading week
As long as it takes students at this particular university to realise they have made a terrible mistake.

Scotland
Legendary land where haggises wander the mountains, monsters swim in lochs, and students learn for free.

University boat race
The winners are the first to learn they’re up shit creek without a paddle.

Finals
Used to be the conclusion. Now they’re just the beginning…