Sex

Origins
Something to do with an apple in a garden. Most British couples are now much less adventurous, though there are occasional reports of the use of oranges.

Family planning
Making sure they’re all out.

Contraception
When they refuse to go out.

Pill
It’s a bitter one to swallow

Mate
You’re reduced to playing chess.

Porn
First piece that you move.

Bishop
Don’t go there.

One night stand
Cheap hotel room. Better ones have two, either side of the bed.

Monogamy
What expensive headboards are made of.

Polygamy
Cheaper plastic alternative.

Swinging
Using the chandelier as a launch point.

Abstinence
Drunk by French ladies around 1900. After three glasses even Toulouse-Lautrec looked attractive.

Ménage à trois
Belgian lager. Acceptable substitute for abstinence.

Viagra
A flash car always makes one more attractive.

Aphrodisiacs
And flowers don’t do any harm either.

Chat-up line
Advertised in the back pages of certain magazines.

Computer dating
Often required to assess the real age of someone you met online.

Phone sex
Only appropriate if you’re not engaged.

Open relationship
Two golfers.

Long-distance relationship
They’re on the fairway.

Committed relationship.
When all your friends think you are mad to stay together.

Petting
Ladies of a certain age tend to have a cat rather than sex.

Tantric sex
Listening to Sting while having sex can make time seem to drag massively.

Conclusion
Sooner later, one or other of you is a worthless low-life who doesn’t realise what they have just lost, but I’ll get over you, you… look, just leave, will you?

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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…

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