Gardening

Gardener
Anglo-Saxon term for someone who looks after, or “guards” a “ner”, which is the ancient word for garden. This comes from medieval women asking their husbands if they were going to scythe the lawn this Sunday, and being told: “Ner”.

History
Gardens used to be suspended from walls, most notably at Babylon. Now they are often on the ground. In the 17th century the discovery of crop rotation resulted in spinning gardens, but these proved unstable (though they did give birth to the rockery).

Pests
Alan Titchmarsh, Diarmuid Gavin, Charlie Dimmock and so on.

Mower
1970s-style gardener with bouffant hair.

Moles
Gardeners who spy on others.

Decking
Punching a gardener who has been spying on you.

Grass
To tell on a gardener who has decked you.

Rake
Gardener who is mad, bad, and dangerous to hoe.

Brazier
Used for burning rubbish, unless Charlie Dimmock has put it on for once.

Spade
A spade.

Mulching
Hanging around the garden not doing much.

Nipping off
Having a crafty fag behind the shed.

Kitchen garden
When you’re so busy outside you don’t wash up for six weeks.

Weedkiller
Commissioning executive who cancelled “The Flowerpot Men”.

Water feature
Next door’s tomcat.

Plants
Crops hidden in your garden by rival gardeners.

Composting
Sending manure to rival gardeners.

Propagating
Fixing a decent lock to the entrance.

Bonsai
What Japanese gardeners shouted before they attacked Pearl Harbour’s window-box.

Stray roots
Next door’s tomcat again.

Topsoil
What you use for a roof garden.

Bedding plants
Result of extreme frustration when your partner leaves because you’ve spent too much time in the cabbage patch.

Conclusion
Gardening brings little bit of the great outdoors to our doorsteps. And to our kitchen floors, hallways, and living room carpets.

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