Greenhouse effect
Reason we now have a lot more tomatoes.

Greenhouse gases
Effect of eating a lot more tomatoes.

Vapour trails
Ways of tracking tomato gluttons.

CO2
If you can, you have amazing eyesight.

Methane
What Macbeth said just after killing Duncan. Not much to do with global warming.

Emissions
What conservationists go on.

Melting of the ice-cap
Global warming means Laplanders’ traditional clothes are no longer very long-lasting.

Water table
What Laplanders’ furniture is turning to.

Rising sea levels
Or, as we call them, tides.

Desertification
When people leave islands that are about to get flooded.

Oil deposits
Very hard to get off your clothes.

Thames Water
Contradiction. They haven’t got any.

Drought order
D, followed by R, followed by O, etc. Spelling correctly saves paper.

Kyoto agreement
Another contradiction.

Extreme weather
Michael Fish denying the existence of a hurricane while being shot through a burning hoop.

Climate sensitivity
When a weather forecaster gets upset at getting his predictions wrong.

Carbon cycle
He makes his getaway on a hi-tech but environmentally friendly machine.

Global dimming
Name for the effect by which people are so stupid they think 4x4s are a defensible means of transport.

Carbon tax
Used for pinning up maps of global warming.

Carbon trading
Eco-friendly playground game. Can result in grubby fingers.

Ice sheets
Really cold bed linen. Necessary as the temperature rises.

Deforestation
Where you arrive by train in Defore.

Reforestation
The other end of the line.

Conclusion
Global warming means pensioners won’t die of hypothermia each winter. They’ll all have been burnt to a crisp by the start of August.