The space pioneer Robert Louis Stevenson invented the train when his rocket failed to take off but did manage to make it to Bristol Temple Meads on time.

Flying Scotsman
Ethereal train condemned to roam the network without end. Otherwise known as the 6.45 from Chingford.

Orient Express
Newspaper on Leyton station.

Steam train
Hot water system in the buffet car.

Bullet train
If they catch you without a ticket on this one, you’ve had it.

Royal train
Long dress. Takes up a whole carriage.

Buffet car
Very windy part of a train.

Noise made by angry commuters waiting for the 6.45 from Chingford.

Guard’s van
Trains are so overcrowded he has to travel by road.

Built-up shoes worn by staff so they can climb aboard.

What one does while waiting for the 6.45 from Chingford.

Cheap day return
Don’t go far, don’t stay long.

Rail card
Middle-aged gent with a plummy accent who insists on sitting next to attractive young women.

Ticket collector
Man with a very boring hobby.

KGB agent on the 6.45 from Chingford.

Rail version of the mile-high club.

See Coupling.

See Shunting.

They say you can’t catch this from dirty seats.

Trains aren’t cleaned properly any more.

Murder on the Orient Express
When you have to stand all the way from Leyton.

Chatanooga Choo Choo
Pardon me, boy?

The 6.45 from Chingford.

We apologise for the non-arrival of this conclusion. This is due to a succession of incidents at Crewe.

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