Computers

Invention
First invented by a touring maths genius at the Sketchley Park army laundry during the Second World War. It would generate limericks about Hitler and his lack of equipment. It was such a big machine that it was named “Colossus”. Churchill considered dropping it on the Reichstag, but no-one could lift it.

Professor Turing
Travelling academic for whom the world’s first portable computer was invented.

Internet
Technical masterstroke enabling people all over the world to be kept bang up to date with all the recent goings-on in female dormitories at various American universities.

Website
Porn.

Online
A virtual queue to look at porn.

Emails
Porn.

Spam
Pork.

Deep Blue
Porn film about Gary Kasparov mating with a computer.

Bit
Small things with wires and red LEDs that 16-year-olds in Dixon’s sell you and you never use.

Memory
Useful if you don’t want to have to keep looking at the manual.

RAM
Technical procedure if your computer breaks. You ram your foot firmly into it.

VDU
A nasty form of virus.

CDs
Beer-mat shaped objects used to store important items away from the computer, like coffee mugs.

Hard disks
Disks that won’t be pushed around.

Floppy disks
CDs that have been kept near a radiator.

Conclusion
Far from making life easier, computers actually enable your day to go pear shaped quicker, more efficiently and in a blinding array of ways. This allows people, once they have finished their work, to spend the rest of the day on the phone to a man in Delhi trying to find out why their machine has crashed.

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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…

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