Telephones

Origins
Telephones were invented by Alexander Graham Bell, from where we get the expression “give us a Bell”. It’s a good job his surname wasn’t “Poke-in-the-Arm”.

Dialling Tone
Queen Victoria thought it beneath herself to dial and employed a man called Anthony to do it for her.

Busy Tone
She liked to make a lot of calls.

Touch-Tone
She was not amused at the suggestion.

Cold calling
Ringing work to say you have flu.

Line
What you tell them.

Disconnection
Becoming distracted while talking on the phone.

Number unobtainable
The complete expression of Pi.

Ex-directory
One that a circus strongman has ripped in half.

Cellphone
Scientists have miniaturised handsets to an amazing degree.

Carphone
The earliest mobile phones were so heavy they needed an engine and wheels.

The future’s Orange
It’s the microwaves from all the cellphone masts.

BT
You order a sandwich on a bad line and it comes without lettuce.

Speed dial
Phoning for drugs.

Crossed line
Part of the coat of arms of the guild of telephone engineers.

Party line
“It is not the job of government to regulate charges for mobile roaming abroad”

Roaming
Trying to avoid the bailiffs after you get the bill for using your phone abroad.

3G
Force acting on you as you parachute out of a helicopter in a desperate attempt to shake off the bailiff.

Voicemail
Left by the bailiffs telling you that you can’t run for ever.

Directory Enquiries
What you need these days to find the number for Directory Enquiries.

Conclusion
Sorry, hang on– there’s someone on the other line…

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Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…

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