Profit made by Wimbledon from hundreds of thousands of visitors who claim to like tennis for two weeks of the year when, in fact, they spend most of their time eating soft fruit, drinking Pimm’s, and waving dementedly at TV cameras like middle-class versions of the auditionees in The X Factor.

Fred Perry
Evil genius who used his fame as a winner of Wimbledon to flood the world with pastel-coloured short-sleeved sports shirts with all the fashion appeal of Tim Henman’s haircut.

Tim Henman’s haircut
Modelled on Anne Widdecombe’s as a ploy to distract his opponents. This ultimately failed as the really good ones know to look at the ball, not their opponents’ head.

Real tennis
As opposed to the matches that took place inside Tim Henman’s head, and which he won.

Sharapova, Kusnetzova, Petrova
It’s all ova now.

Scoring system
In the men’s game, generally heterosexual. The women’s game is more fluid.

Knock up
See “Scoring system”

Lawn Tennis
Form of tennis that caught on in the Victorian era. Larder Tennis, Cupboard Under The Stairs Tennis, and Horse-Drawn Carriage Tennis didn’t really catch on.

Tennis Pro
See “Knock Up”.

Davis Cup
Variety of Pimm’s served with strawberries.

One Davis Cup too many.

Ball boys and girls
In days gone by, when players ran out of balls, children from the local workhouse were hit over the net.

Noise the ballboys and girls made.

Way that poor ballboys and girls used to get to Wimbledon. Commemorated in the name of the part of the court where their dead bodies would be laid out before collection at the end of each match.

Referee who sits on a tall chair. When tennis began, local workmen were employed to ‘ump ‘im ‘igher, leading to the name.

Spectator who didn’t go to a good enough school.

Ooh I say
Tennis equivalent of “fuck me!”

Type of compliment that’s really an insult, eg, “She’s the British number one”.

The Nuremburg Open.

Service line
White mark you stand behind waiting for strawberries and cream.

Service break
The strawberries have run out.

What anyone who sings at Wimbledon should be thrown off.

Murray mount
Lots of women aim for this at Wimbledon every year. Apparently, you can’t hurry a Murray mount.

Type of Spanish orange. Spanish, orange, tennis player, that is.

Type of hat worn by stylistically-challenged Swiss men.

Character from The Virginian who went on to have a successful career as Pistol Pete the tennis player.

Automaton at war with the Tennis Federation.

Film starring Barbra Streisand as a cross-dressing Jewish tennis player.

Friend of Sampras.

Lemon found in Davis Cup.

Cheapest ticket for the tramline. Many ballboys and girls didn’t use the second portion of the ticket.

It’s happy hour at the Davis Cup tent.

Mixed doubles
The snakebite of the Davis Cup tent.

Top seed
Type of grass favoured by Wimbledon.

Second seed
Sowing the court takes a long time as they have to…

Third seed
…count every bit of grass…

Fourth seed
…that goes into the court.

Comprises two racquets, a net and some balls. They cost £9.99 from Argos.

When the game has to stop because someone in the crowd isn’t correctly attired for the occasion.

Head of the Tennis Mafia.

What the children of rich parents who can afford tennis lessons have.

There are six balls in an over. Not a lot to do with tennis.

A foreigner wins again. But no-one cares that much because they’re not really into the tennis anyway.


One thought on “Tennis”

  1. Very funny, I especially liked the one about old Cliff. God I used to hate the rain thank god they now have a roof in place.


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