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The Beginners' Guide to:

Athletics

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Origins
At the first athletics event all of the contestants were naked as it was 776BC, or ‘before clothes’.

Athlete
Carrier of a fungal disease.

Track event
Held on a railway line. Extremely dangerous though it can improve an athlete’s best time.

Field events
A much safer group of events. Popular disciplines include picnicking, climbing trees and making daisy chains.

Running events
Organising the games.

Throwing events
People deliberately losing.

Jumping events
Channel hopping while watching athletics on TV.

Lane
Small road leading to the area where the field events are being held.

Starter
First course in the picnic in the field.

Hurdle
Being crap at your event.

“Marks!”
Shop where the athlete bought their shorts.

“Set!”
The shorts came with a matching top.

Starting pistol
Beginner’s gun in a shooting event.

High jump
Being surprised by the starting pistol.

Long jump
Taking a while to calm down.

Triple jump
Not getting used to the starting pistol very quickly.

False start
Your teeth fall out because you’re so startled.

Personal best
Making sure one’s appearance is tip-top.

Shot put
Vey difficult golf exercise.

Marathon
Inspired by an Ancient Greek who ran all the way home after a battle to make sure he could sit through every single event on the television.

Relay race
What television commentators do.

Discus
What television pundits do.

Triathlon
Athlon for beginners.

Pentathlon
Athlon for satanists.

Heptathlon
Tathlon for cool people.

Decathlon
Athlon on board ship.

Javelin
Darts for extroverts.

Pole vault
Really big safe where they keep all the poles.

Sprint
It is dangerous standing next to a fellow competitor in the public urinals if you are wearing shorts.

Middle distance
Much safer here.

Long distance
Stop showing off.

Water jump
What you might have to do.

Spikes
What people who fail drugs tests claim have been put in their drinks.

Shorts
Sometimes these are spiked.

Singlets
Better than doubles if you’re racing the next day.

Drugs test
Advisable. You don’t want to take ones that don’t work.

Long-jump pits
Terrible long-jumpers.

Dropping the baton
The conductor in the opening ceremony has to use a biro instead.

Medals table
Horizontal structure traditionally made of wood, though in modern times this can be metal or plastic, raised from the ground by four vertical poles, or ‘legs’, that the medals are put on.

Hammer
Used to construct the medals table.

Finish line
_______________.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Drunkenness

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beer_2Demotions

Origins
People are allowed to drink in pubs at 18, though some begin earlier in the day.

Yard of ale
What you spill as you make your way to your table.

Lager top
You’ve spilt some on your shirt, too.

Top fermentation
You’ve spilt lots on your shirt.

Bottom fermentation
And your trousers.

Keg
The trouser upon which you have spilt beer.

Shorts
What you have to change into now your trousers are soaked.

Hand pull
What you attempt on the barmaid.

Lager
What you think the barmaid’s vital statistics are.

Froth
What you spin the barmaid.

Chaser
Or, as the barmaid insists on putting it, “stalker”.

Head
The beer has one. You’ve lost yours.

Bar
What happens after you try to chat up the barmaid one too many times.

Bitter
How you feel about the barmaid.

Pub crawl
What you have to do to get back in to your local.

Jug
See “Barmaid”.

Hops
You need the loo.

Barley
But you can barley stand, talk or focus.

Specific gravity
The tendency of the Earth to attract a falling object was first noted by Newton after he had had a few drinks.

Barman
Alcoholic superhero of Gotham City. He helps you up.

Measure
What the barmaid has of you.

Snakebite
Gang to which the barmaid tells you her boyfriend belongs.

Designated driver
The golf club which the barmaid’s boyfriend intends to use on you.

Glass collector
Your face if you’re not careful.

Ale
As in “ale juss hav one moore”…

Swift half
The top bit of a pint

Round
What you’re becoming.

Gastropub
Stomach upset from drinking too much beer.

Stout
See “Round”.

Drinking up time
What you realise alcohol has been doing.

Barrel
The way you walk home.

On the house
How you support yourself.

Landlord
The person you try to avoid as you arrive home after 15 pints, unable to be quiet, and unable to find your keys.

Beer tap
You knock gently to be allowed in.

Landlady
The person who comes to let you in and who you now find strangely attractive.

Hangover
It takes several days for your landlady to talk to you again.

Conclusion
You blame everything on the dodgy cashew nuts you ate at the bar.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Lightbulbs

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light-bulb-in-hands

Thomas Edison
Invented the lightbulb. Without it he couldn’t see how to work his phonograph.

Incandescent
Mrs Edison was very, very cross at the amount of time her husband was spending in the outhouse.

Filament
What Mr Edison’s marriage hung by.

Electric current
Early attempts to fit dried fruit with a plug failed to produce much illumination.

Voltage
You have to be over 18 to buy a bulb.

Screw fitting
We advise you to ignore this advice and use your hands instead.

Bayonet fitting
When British soldiers in the First World War ran out of daggers to attach to their rifles, they fell back on lightbulbs. This was very painful. The ones they didn’t break they attached to their guns. Unfortunately, the lightbulbs made them an easy target, especially as the extension leads meant they couldn’t run very far.

Street light
Urban bulb that won’t take any shit.

Bedside lamp
Bulb with a pleasant manner.

Frosted bulbs
They’re GRRRRREAT!

Energy-saving bulb
You don’t have to climb precariously on a chair every couple of weeks to replace it.

Halogen lamp
You need antihistamines to sit under one of these.

Strip light
A bulb so powerful you have to take your clothes off to cool down.

Arc light
Used to count the animals in two by two.

Fluorescent
The smell of bread. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

Vacuum
There’s one inside every lightbulb. But bugger me if I can see it.

Candela
Fungal infection of a screw fitting.

Lumen
What the end of the lightbulb is doing.

Ohms
“Illuminatory, my dear Watson”.

Watt
Exclamation when you can’t believe another one has blown.

Inefficient
Ninety per cent of the energy used by a lightbulb is wasted as heat. Ninety percent of the energy used by someone fitting a lightbulb is wasted as swearing.

Dimmer
Frame used by old people to stand up while changing lightbulbs.

Shade
1980s singer. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Conclusion
Ping.

The Beginners' Guide to:

MEDICINE

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1-3-3-2-1-0-0-0-0-0-0

Origins
The first person to take any form of medicine was the ancient Greek Asclepius as he used to carry a big stick with a snake coiled around it that kept biting him.

Shot
What the snake eventually was.

Tablets
Medicine God gave to Moses.

Pharmacology
Medicines made from rural areas.

Physiology
Medicines with a widget in them.

Pathology
Medicines made by compulsive liars.

Clinical trials
What the liars face if they’re found out.

Symptoms
Cartoon show about the antics of a family of yellow-coloured chemists from Springfield.

Prescription
Writing on the back of the packet telling you what the pills look like.

Dose
Telling the chemist which pills you want with a stuffy nose.

Course
What the chemist has to pass before they’re allowed to serve anyone.

Allergy
What French chemists receive after passing their exams.

Side effects
Artistic lighting on the chemists shop.

Dissolve
Breaking down in tears when the chemist says they’ve run out of the medicine you need.

Preventative medicine
You should have phoned ahead to check they had some in stock.

Homoeopathic medicine
Taking medicine in your house.

Palliative medicine
Taking medicine in a friends’ house.

Inoculate
Giving medicine to a Dalek.

WHO
Dr that gives medicine to the Dalek.

Tamiflu
Anti-flu treatment favoured by buxom, blonde, American country and western singers.

Cough mixture
Phlegm, nasal mucus and specks of green stuff.

Vaccination
Giving up on the local chemist and going abroad to buy your medicine.

Conclusion
‘Laughter is the best medicine’, so read this guide three times a day after food.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Jogging

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Origins
Jogging is running for walkers.

Dangers of jogging
Looking a pillock to your trophy wife when you faint on the steps of the Elysee Palace.

Warm up
Pre-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises.

Warm down
Post-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises too.

Cross trainer
Runner who has just stepped in dog poo.

Cross country
North Korea. Not much to do with jogging.

Training regime
Dictatorship still at the apprentice stage.

Stretch
What joggers have to do to avoid dog poo.

Push up
Bra worn by image-conscious female jogger.

Track suits
People who control the jogging business.

Jogging bottoms
What female runners would like to get rid of.

Singlet
Small vocalist. Not much to do with jogging.

Running shorts
Inadvisable consumption of vodka on the move.

Reps
Salespeople trying to get you to buy the latest trainers.

Personal trainer
Shoe that only you wear.

Cushion sole
Inserting a fish to reduce the impact on your ankles.

Air sole
What you’ll get called if you develop a particularly silly running style to impress your trophy wife.

Stopwatch
You don’t want people looking at you till you’re properly fit.

Pedometer
Jogger on the police sex-offenders register.

10k
What all the gear will cost you.

Running partner
Spouse who has got fed up with your obsession with exercise.

Joint pain
You can’t have one while you’re running.

Cramp
Painful condition caused by jogging in a confined space.

Stitch
Painful condition caused by sewing in a confined space.

Abs
First bit of the word “absolutely”. After a run you’re too knackered to manage the rest of long words like this.

The wall
What you lean against, trying to breathe while your eyes begin bulging out on stalks.

Blister
Type of pack the painkillers you’ll need come in.

Pacemaker
Jogging companion whose job it is to restart your heart when you collapse.

Roadrunner
Cartoon jogger.

Lap
Jogger from the north of Europe.

Running track
Native American. Related to Running Shoe.

Knee support
Foot.

Athletes foot
You’ll need two.

Jogger’s nipple
Oil here in the case of chafing.

Calves
Run round these.

Cartilage
Ancient city of joggers, eventually overrun by Rome.

Go for the burn
Have a curry afterwards

Second wind
Dietary malfunction. It’s that curry.

Conclusion
After months of strenuous exercise, you find you’re the fittest person in the Paris A&E.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Space exploration

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Ascent

Werner von Braun
Nazi inventor of Werner’s Originals, abducted by the Americans after the Second World War to kickstart their sweet industry.

Sputnik
Sound a Russian spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Apollo
After the Russians sent a dog and the Americans sent a monkey into space, the Italians planned to send a chicken.

Launch
What Italians eat the chicken for.

Laika
Sound of a happy Italian astronaut.

The Eagle has landed
It’s after the chicken.

Soyuz
What vegetarian cosmonauts eat.

Shuttle
Catching a bus to the launchpad.

Space station
Where it leaves from.

Hello, Houston, we have a problem
You’re a crack addict, you can’t sing any more, and your looks have gone.

Trajectory
What Apollo 13 nearly was.

Gagarin
What space chicken makes you do.

Yuri
Astronauts have a special bag for this.

Moonwalk
One small dancestep for man.

Spacewalk
One giant pirouette for mankind.

Earthrise
When the Earth rises over the lunar horizon, reminding those few brave souls who have braved the hazards of space to travel to our only satellite and discover it a dead husk, that our planet is a priceless oasis of habitability in an inhospitable universe, and that we have an obligation to future generations of humanity to stop destroying it with our selfish greed. It’s also quite pretty and makes a nice pic.

UFO
What Alexei Leonov said to Moscow when they told him to go for the first spacewalk.

LEM
Liberal Democrat politician who looks and sounds like an alien.

NASA
Sound an American spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Little green man
Astronaut with travel sickness.

Capsule
What a sick astronaut takes.

Splashdown
Tricky manoeuvre performed on a toilet in zero gravity after eating a dodgy chicken.

Descent
I wouldn’t go in de space toilet for a while.

Launch pad
Home of single, swinging, astronauts.

Spacesuit
Cut to accommodate one’s space-helmet.

Launch window
Important to make sure this is shut.

Retro rockets
They’re slightly flared.

Solid-fuel booster
“You’re much better than that liquid fuel, you really are.”

Module
Part of the course: “How To Be An Astronaut”.

Chinese space programme
The countdown goes: “I’ll have a number 10, followed by a number three, followed by a number seven…”

European space programme
Run by the French, who plan to put a cheese-eating surrender-monkey into orbit.

British space programme
“The Sky At Night” with Patrick Moore.

Virgin Galactic
Richard Branson plans to go into space if he can find enough rich people to pay. There is a fund-raising page: http://www.sendthesmugannoyingtitintospace.com. The companion page, http://www.bringthesmugannoyingtitbackfromspace.com is not as popular.

Conclusion
Getting to the moon was a race with the Soviet Union. If we want to get to Mars, the Americans need another rival ideology to compete with. So COME ON YOU TALIBAN SPACEMEN!!!

The Beginners' Guide to:

Afghanistan

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afghanistan_soldier-poppy-field

Operation Ensuring Freedom
NATO-led mission ensuring insurgents the freedom to blow up allied troops.

Tragedy
How the Government describes the loss of each British soldier. The government is now responsible for more tragedies than Shakespeare, Seneca, and the entire canon of Greek dramatists combined.

Soviet invasion
In 1979 the Red Army invaded Afghanistan. After ten years they admitted they had failed and left. Gordon Brown is currently working out what they did wrong.

What the Soviets did wrong
They invaded Afghanistan. Gordon Brown will get there eventually…

Taliban
The word in its original Pashto language means “students”. So if Brown wants to really demoralise them he could start charging them top-up fees.

Saudi Arabia
Funded the hard-line mosques out of which the Taliban came. Also gave the world Osama Bin Laden. But we are their friends. Well, think what they’d do if we upset them.

Roadside bombs
Because Gordon Brown won’t give British soldiers enough helicopters, they have to drive everywhere. The Taliban are behaving very unsportingly by trying to blow them up while they do this.

Drones
What the British Government is full of. Its ministers never stop insisting that a) the conflict is winnable b) there are enough soldiers and equipment to do it and c) they are really, really sorry, honest, about every soldier they have sent there that dies.

Choppers
So called because they have been chopped from the list of things the Government will give the Army enough of.

Thin red line
British Army.

Thick yellow streak
British Government.

Defence Minister
Main job is defending Government policy.

Kabul
What the Defence Minister talks.

International forces
Soldiers from all over the world have converged on Afghanistan. A fair proportion of them are even on our side.

Mullah Omar
What the British and Americans are trying and failing to do.

Pakistan
Also engaged in the fight against the Taliban. Except when they’re not.

Afghan economy
Gordon Brown says he wants to create a stable economy in the country. He already has done. It provides 90 per cent of the heroin on British streets.

Hamid Karzai
Appropriate name for the president of a country going down the toilet.

Conclusion
Eventually we will pull out when it becomes obvious that we can’t win in Vietnam. Oh, hang on…

The Beginners' Guide to:

Afghanistan, war in

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afghanistan_soldier-poppy-field

Operation Ensuring Freedom
NATO-led mission ensuring insurgents the freedom to blow up allied troops.

Tragedy
How the Government describes the loss of each British soldier. The government is now responsible for more tragedies than Shakespeare, Seneca, and the entire canon of Greek dramatists combined.

Soviet invasion
In 1979 the Red Army invaded Afghanistan. After ten years they admitted they had failed and left. Gordon Brown is currently working out what they did wrong.

What the Soviets did wrong
They invaded Afghanistan. Gordon Brown will get there eventually…

Taliban
The word in its original Pashto language means “students”. So if Brown wants to really demoralise them he could start charging them top-up fees.

Saudi Arabia
Funded the hard-line mosques out of which the Taliban came. Also gave the world Osama Bin Laden. But we are their friends. Well, think what they’d do if we upset them.

Roadside bombs
Because Gordon Brown won’t give British soldiers enough helicopters, they have to drive everywhere. The Taliban are behaving very unsportingly by trying to blow them up while they do this.

Drones
What the British Government is full of. Its ministers never stop insisting that a) the conflict is winnable b) there are enough soldiers and equipment to do it and c) they are really, really sorry, honest, about every soldier they have sent there that dies.

Choppers
So called because they have been chopped from the list of things the Government will give the Army enough of.

Thin red line
British Army.

Thick yellow streak
British Government.

Defence Minister
Main job is defending Government policy.

Kabul
What the Defence Minister talks.

International forces
Soldiers from all over the world have converged on Afghanistan. A fair proportion of them are even on our side.

Mullah Omar
What the British and Americans are trying and failing to do.

Pakistan
Also engaged in the fight against the Taliban. Except when they’re not.

Afghan economy
Gordon Brown says he wants to create a stable economy in the country. He already has done. It provides 90 per cent of the heroin on British streets.

Hamid Karzai
Appropriate name for the president of a country going down the toilet.

Conclusion
Eventually we will pull out when it becomes obvious that we can’t win in Vietnam. Oh, hang on…

The Beginners' Guide to:

The Bible

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kjv-king-james-version-bible-first-edition-title-page-1611

Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light” and lots of things appeared. How do we know there was nothing if all the lights were off?

Revelation
The Bible isn’t actually written by God. Sorry.

Ezekiel
Israelite sneezing.

Isaiah
There goes another one.

Thesssalllon…
…We’ll come back to that one.

Judges
The panel on Prophet Idol.

Passover
What the judges did to bad acts on Prophet Idol.

Last Judgement
The live final of Prophet Idol.

Abraham
Father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. He got about a bit.

Moses
Grandma of Jews Christians, and Muslims.

Methuselah
They just can’t stop sneezing.

Letters
The Bible has a lot of these.

Numbers
A lot of these too.

Verses
And a lot of these. No chorus, though.

Ruth
Is stranger than fiction.

Song of Solomon
“Got up in the morning, slaving for breakfast…”

Psalms
The sensitive bit of your hsands.

Flight from Egypt
Maiden journey of El Al.

Thesallonn…
…No, still not sure how to spell it.

Acts of the Apostles
Once Jesus had gone, the disciples had to come up with a new show. Thomas opened with his demonstration of doubting, Luke did a bit of walking on the water, and Peter, Paul, and Mary finished off with their Palestinian chart-toppers.

Cain and Abel
Double act. Often began with the gag: “Take my brother. No, go on, take my brother…”

Samson and Delilah
Another double act. Popularised the catchphrase: “Keep your hair on!”

Jehoshaphat
Had a jumping act.

Magi
Despotic leader who oppressed the Jews by killing the firstborn of union officials, taxing milk and honey, and selling off the camel trains.

Thessalonnin…
…Still doesn’t look right.

Promised Land
Chuck Berry song featured as light relief in the Book of Joshua.

Daniel
Travelling tonight on a plane. Probably the flight from Egypt.

Pilate
Man in the cockpit for the flight from Egypt.

Jude
Took the Song of Solomon and made it better.

Epistles
Internet versions of pistles. Best way for St Paul to stay in touch with the Corinthians, Romans, Thessalon… Thelllasson…. oh, for heavens’s sake…

Hosea
Another sneeze. Bless them.

Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Zachariah, Haggai, Habbakkuk
Various sizes of wine cask.

Hebrew
What goes in the wine cask.

Dead Sea Scrolls
Painful condition contracted by too much swimming in the Dead Sea. Explains Jesus’s preference for walking on the water.

Qumran
The lord is my shepherd. This is one of the commands to his sheepdog.

Conclusion
Thessalonians!!!

The Beginners' Guide to:

Bible, The

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kjv-king-james-version-bible-first-edition-title-page-1611

Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light” and lots of things appeared. How do we know there was nothing if all the lights were off?

Revelation
The Bible isn’t actually written by God. Sorry.

Ezekiel
Israelite sneezing.

Isaiah
There goes another one.

Thesssalllon…
…We’ll come back to that one.

Judges
The panel on Prophet Idol.

Passover
What the judges did to bad acts on Prophet Idol.

Last Judgement
The live final of Prophet Idol.

Abraham
Father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. He got about a bit.

Moses
Grandma of Jews Christians, and Muslims.

Methuselah
They just can’t stop sneezing.

Letters
The Bible has a lot of these.

Numbers
A lot of these too.

Verses
And a lot of these. No chorus, though.

Ruth
Is stranger than fiction.

Song of Solomon
“Got up in the morning, slaving for breakfast…”

Psalms
The sensitive bit of your hsands.

Flight from Egypt
Maiden journey of El Al.

Thesallonn…
…No, still not sure how to spell it.

Acts of the Apostles
Once Jesus had gone, the disciples had to come up with a new show. Thomas opened with his demonstration of doubting, Luke did a bit of walking on the water, and Peter, Paul, and Mary finished off with their Palestinian chart-toppers.

Cain and Abel
Double act. Often began with the gag: “Take my brother. No, go on, take my brother…”

Samson and Delilah
Another double act. Popularised the catchphrase: “Keep your hair on!”

Jehoshaphat
Had a jumping act.

Magi
Despotic leader who oppressed the Jews by killing the firstborn of union officials, taxing milk and honey, and selling off the camel trains.

Thessalonnin…
…Still doesn’t look right.

Promised Land
Chuck Berry song featured as light relief in the Book of Joshua.

Daniel
Travelling tonight on a plane. Probably the flight from Egypt.

Pilate
Man in the cockpit for the flight from Egypt.

Jude
Took the Song of Solomon and made it better.

Epistles
Internet versions of pistles. Best way for St Paul to stay in touch with the Corinthians, Romans, Thessalon… Thelllasson…. oh, for heavens’s sake…

Hosea
Another sneeze. Bless them.

Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Zachariah, Haggai, Habbakkuk
Various sizes of wine cask.

Hebrew
What goes in the wine cask.

Dead Sea Scrolls
Painful condition contracted by too much swimming in the Dead Sea. Explains Jesus’s preference for walking on the water.

Qumran
The lord is my shepherd. This is one of the commands to his sheepdog.

Conclusion
Thessalonians!!!