Tag Archives: Twitter


At the first athletics event all of the contestants were naked as it was 776BC, or ‘before clothes’.

Carrier of a fungal disease.

Track event
Held on a railway line. Extremely dangerous though it can improve an athlete’s best time.

Field events
A much safer group of events. Popular disciplines include picnicking, climbing trees and making daisy chains.

Running events
Organising the games.

Throwing events
People deliberately losing.

Jumping events
Channel hopping while watching athletics on TV.

Small road leading to the area where the field events are being held.

First course in the picnic in the field.

Being crap at your event.

Shop where the athlete bought their shorts.

The shorts came with a matching top.

Starting pistol
Beginner’s gun in a shooting event.

High jump
Being surprised by the starting pistol.

Long jump
Taking a while to calm down.

Triple jump
Not getting used to the starting pistol very quickly.

False start
Your teeth fall out because you’re so startled.

Personal best
Making sure one’s appearance is tip-top.

Shot put
Vey difficult golf exercise.

Inspired by an Ancient Greek who ran all the way home after a battle to make sure he could sit through every single event on the television.

Relay race
What television commentators do.

What television pundits do.

Athlon for beginners.

Athlon for satanists.

Tathlon for cool people.

Athlon on board ship.

Darts for extroverts.

Pole vault
Really big safe where they keep all the poles.

It is dangerous standing next to a fellow competitor in the public urinals if you are wearing shorts.

Middle distance
Much safer here.

Long distance
Stop showing off.

Water jump
What you might have to do.

What people who fail drugs tests claim have been put in their drinks.

Sometimes these are spiked.

Better than doubles if you’re racing the next day.

Drugs test
Advisable. You don’t want to take ones that don’t work.

Long-jump pits
Terrible long-jumpers.

Dropping the baton
The conductor in the opening ceremony has to use a biro instead.

Medals table
Horizontal structure traditionally made of wood, though in modern times this can be metal or plastic, raised from the ground by four vertical poles, or ‘legs’, that the medals are put on.

Used to construct the medals table.

Finish line



Sir Walter Raleigh was the inventor of smoking. He tried potatoes, but they didn’t burn very well, and ended up singeing the King of Spain’s beard. Mashed tobacco was just as bad an idea. Eventually he got it right.

Cigarette paper
Trade journal for tobacconists.

Public schoolboy detailed to buy cigarettes.

Informal response when someone offers you a cigarette.

Low tar
Informal response when you offer a Hobbit a cigarette.

Plain cigarettes
So strong they have to be smoked in the great outdoors.

Don’t smoke.

Rolling tobacco
Ancient pastime practised on the hillsides of Virginia.

Chewing tobacco
Lighting cigarettes has proved too tricky for some Americans.

Pipe tobacco
City-wide delivery system pioneered by the Victorians in London. Unfortunately one discarded match led to the city being nicknamed The Big Smoke.

Smoke ring
Secret organisation dedicated to clandestine indoor smoking.

Rough shag
Indulged in before a smoke.

Ready rubbed
Post coital smoke.

Noise smokers make when they sneeze.

Cigarette butt
Big ashtray.

Smokers cough
They do, they do.

Cigarette holder

Moi non plus.

The smell of France. Assuming you can got over the stench from the hole-in-the-floor toilets, the garlic breath, and the exhaust fumes from cars made from corrugated iron and onion peelings.

Marlboro man

Benson and Hedges
Comedy duo, whose biggest joke was: “I say, I say, I say – cigarette companies say they’ve got proof tobacco isn’t either addictive or dangerous!”. Smokers died laughing.

Wife of former prime minister.

Sex toy of former president. Not related to the above. Definitely not related to the above.

Nicotine patches
Put on your jacket to cover the holes caused by burning ash.

Friend of Paris Hilton.

Heavy-smoking orange seller of Restoration England.

Star sign most smokers die under.

Your ash gets scattered.