Tag Archives: running


At the first athletics event all of the contestants were naked as it was 776BC, or ‘before clothes’.

Carrier of a fungal disease.

Track events
Held on a railway line. This is extremely dangerous though it can improve an athlete’s best time.

Field events
A much safer group of events. Popular disciplines include picnicking, climbing trees and making daisy chains.

Running events
Organising the games.

Throwing events
People deliberately losing.

Jumping events
Channel hopping while watching athletics on TV.

Small road leading to the area where the field events are being held.

First course in the picnic in the field.

Hurdles, unless you can jump.

Being crap at your event.

Shop where the athlete bought their shorts.

The shorts came with a matching top.

Starting pistol
Beginner’s gun in a shooting event.

High jump
Being surprised by the starting pistol.

Long jump
Taking a while to calm down.

Triple jump
Not getting used to the starting pistol very quickly.

False start
Women with artificially large breasts have already covered some of the course.

Personal best
Making sure one’s appearance is tip-top.

Shot put
Vey difficult golf exercise.

Inspired by an Ancient Greek who ran all the way home after a battle to make sure he could sit through every single event on the television.

Relay race
What television commentators do.

What television commentators do.

Athlon for beginners.

Athlon for satanists.

Tathlon for cool people.

Athlon on board ship.

Darts for extroverts.

Pole vault
Really big safe where they keep all the poles.

It is dangerous standing next to a fellow competitor in the public urinals if you are wearing shorts.

Middle distance
Much safer here.

Long distance
Stop showing off.

Water jump
What you might have to do.

What people who fail drugs tests claim have been put in their drinks.

Sometimes these are spiked.

Better than doubles if you’re racing the next day.

Drugs test
Advisable. You don’t want to take ones that don’t work.

Long jump pits
Terrible jumpers.

Dropping the baton
Lack of co-ordination meaning the conductor in the opening ceremony has to use a biro.

Medals table
Horizontal structure traditionally made of wood, though in modern times this can be metal or plastic, raised from the ground by four vertical poles, or ‘legs’, that the medals are put on.

Used to construct the medals table.

Finish line




Jogging is running for walkers.

Dangers of jogging
Looking a pillock to your trophy wife when you faint on the steps of the Elysee Palace.

Warm up
Pre-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises.

Warm down
Post-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises too.

Cross trainer
Runner who has just stepped in dog poo.

Cross country
North Korea. Not much to do with jogging.

Training regime
Dictatorship still at the apprentice stage.

What joggers have to do to avoid dog poo.

Push up
Bra worn by image-conscious female jogger.

Track suits
People who control the jogging business.

Jogging bottoms
What female runners would like to get rid of.

Small vocalist. Not much to do with jogging.

Running shorts
Inadvisable consumption of vodka on the move.

Salespeople trying to get you to buy the latest trainers.

Personal trainer
Shoe that only you wear.

Cushion sole
Inserting a fish to reduce the impact on your ankles.

Air sole
What you’ll get called if you develop a particularly silly running style to impress your trophy wife.

You don’t want people looking at you till you’re properly fit.

Jogger on the police sex-offenders register.

What all the gear will cost you.

Running partner
Spouse who has got fed up with your obsession with exercise.

Joint pain
You can’t have one while you’re running.

Painful condition caused by jogging in a confined space.

Painful condition caused by sewing in a confined space.

First bit of the word “absolutely”. After a run you’re too knackered to manage the rest of long words like this.

The wall
What you lean against, trying to breathe while your eyes begin bulging out on stalks.

Type of pack the painkillers you’ll need come in.

Jogging companion whose job it is to restart your heart when you collapse.

Cartoon jogger.

Jogger from the north of Europe.

Running track
Native American. Related to Running Shoe.

Knee support

Athletes foot
You’ll need two.

Jogger’s nipple
Oil here in the case of chafing.

Run round these.

Ancient city of joggers, eventually overrun by Rome.

Go for the burn
Have a curry afterwards

Second wind
Dietary malfunction. It’s that curry.

After months of strenuous exercise, you find you’re the fittest person in the Paris A&E.