Tag Archives: running

Athletics

Origins
At the first athletics event all of the contestants were naked as it was 776BC, or ‘before clothes’.

Athlete
Carrier of a fungal disease.

Track events
Held on a railway line. This is extremely dangerous though it can improve an athlete’s best time.

Field events
A much safer group of events. Popular disciplines include picnicking, climbing trees and making daisy chains.

Running events
Organising the games.

Throwing events
People deliberately losing.

Jumping events
Channel hopping while watching athletics on TV.

Lane
Small road leading to the area where the field events are being held.

Starter
First course in the picnic in the field.

Blocks
Hurdles, unless you can jump.

Hurdle
Being crap at your event.

“Marks!”
Shop where the athlete bought their shorts.

“Set!”
The shorts came with a matching top.

Starting pistol
Beginner’s gun in a shooting event.

High jump
Being surprised by the starting pistol.

Long jump
Taking a while to calm down.

Triple jump
Not getting used to the starting pistol very quickly.

False start
Women with artificially large breasts have already covered some of the course.

Personal best
Making sure one’s appearance is tip-top.

Shot put
Vey difficult golf exercise.

Marathon
Inspired by an Ancient Greek who ran all the way home after a battle to make sure he could sit through every single event on the television.

Relay race
What television commentators do.

Discus
What television commentators do.

Triathlon
Athlon for beginners.

Pentathlon
Athlon for satanists.

Heptathlon
Tathlon for cool people.

Decathlon
Athlon on board ship.

Javelin
Darts for extroverts.

Pole vault
Really big safe where they keep all the poles.

Sprint
It is dangerous standing next to a fellow competitor in the public urinals if you are wearing shorts.

Middle distance
Much safer here.

Long distance
Stop showing off.

Water jump
What you might have to do.

Spikes
What people who fail drugs tests claim have been put in their drinks.

Shorts
Sometimes these are spiked.

Singlets
Better than doubles if you’re racing the next day.

Drugs test
Advisable. You don’t want to take ones that don’t work.

Long jump pits
Terrible jumpers.

Dropping the baton
Lack of co-ordination meaning the conductor in the opening ceremony has to use a biro.

Medals table
Horizontal structure traditionally made of wood, though in modern times this can be metal or plastic, raised from the ground by four vertical poles, or ‘legs’, that the medals are put on.

Hammer
Used to construct the medals table.

Finish line
_______________.

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Jogging

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Origins
Jogging is running for walkers.

Dangers of jogging
Looking a pillock to your trophy wife when you faint on the steps of the Elysee Palace.

Warm up
Pre-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises.

Warm down
Post-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises too.

Cross trainer
Runner who has just stepped in dog poo.

Cross country
North Korea. Not much to do with jogging.

Training regime
Dictatorship still at the apprentice stage.

Stretch
What joggers have to do to avoid dog poo.

Push up
Bra worn by image-conscious female jogger.

Track suits
People who control the jogging business.

Jogging bottoms
What female runners would like to get rid of.

Singlet
Small vocalist. Not much to do with jogging.

Running shorts
Inadvisable consumption of vodka on the move.

Reps
Salespeople trying to get you to buy the latest trainers.

Personal trainer
Shoe that only you wear.

Cushion sole
Inserting a fish to reduce the impact on your ankles.

Air sole
What you’ll get called if you develop a particularly silly running style to impress your trophy wife.

Stopwatch
You don’t want people looking at you till you’re properly fit.

Pedometer
Jogger on the police sex-offenders register.

10k
What all the gear will cost you.

Running partner
Spouse who has got fed up with your obsession with exercise.

Joint pain
You can’t have one while you’re running.

Cramp
Painful condition caused by jogging in a confined space.

Stitch
Painful condition caused by sewing in a confined space.

Abs
First bit of the word “absolutely”. After a run you’re too knackered to manage the rest of long words like this.

The wall
What you lean against, trying to breathe while your eyes begin bulging out on stalks.

Blister
Type of pack the painkillers you’ll need come in.

Pacemaker
Jogging companion whose job it is to restart your heart when you collapse.

Roadrunner
Cartoon jogger.

Lap
Jogger from the north of Europe.

Running track
Native American. Related to Running Shoe.

Knee support
Foot.

Athletes foot
You’ll need two.

Jogger’s nipple
Oil here in the case of chafing.

Calves
Run round these.

Cartilage
Ancient city of joggers, eventually overrun by Rome.

Go for the burn
Have a curry afterwards

Second wind
Dietary malfunction. It’s that curry.

Conclusion
After months of strenuous exercise, you find you’re the fittest person in the Paris A&E.