Jogging

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Origins
Jogging is running for walkers.

Dangers of jogging
Looking a pillock to your trophy wife when you faint on the steps of the Elysee Palace.

Warm up
Pre-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises.

Warm down
Post-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises too.

Cross trainer
Runner who has just stepped in dog poo.

Cross country
North Korea. Not much to do with jogging.

Training regime
Dictatorship still at the apprentice stage.

Stretch
What joggers have to do to avoid dog poo.

Push up
Bra worn by image-conscious female jogger.

Track suits
People who control the jogging business.

Jogging bottoms
What female runners would like to get rid of.

Singlet
Small vocalist. Not much to do with jogging.

Running shorts
Inadvisable consumption of vodka on the move.

Reps
Salespeople trying to get you to buy the latest trainers.

Personal trainer
Shoe that only you wear.

Cushion sole
Inserting a fish to reduce the impact on your ankles.

Air sole
What you’ll get called if you develop a particularly silly running style to impress your trophy wife.

Stopwatch
You don’t want people looking at you till you’re properly fit.

Pedometer
Jogger on the police sex-offenders register.

10k
What all the gear will cost you.

Running partner
Spouse who has got fed up with your obsession with exercise.

Joint pain
You can’t have one while you’re running.

Cramp
Painful condition caused by jogging in a confined space.

Stitch
Painful condition caused by sewing in a confined space.

Abs
First bit of the word “absolutely”. After a run you’re too knackered to manage the rest of long words like this.

The wall
What you lean against, trying to breathe while your eyes begin bulging out on stalks.

Blister
Type of pack the painkillers you’ll need come in.

Pacemaker
Jogging companion whose job it is to restart your heart when you collapse.

Roadrunner
Cartoon jogger.

Lap
Jogger from the north of Europe.

Running track
Native American. Related to Running Shoe.

Knee support
Foot.

Athletes foot
You’ll need two.

Jogger’s nipple
Oil here in the case of chafing.

Calves
Run round these.

Cartilage
Ancient city of joggers, eventually overrun by Rome.

Go for the burn
Have a curry afterwards

Second wind
Dietary malfunction. It’s that curry.

Conclusion
After months of strenuous exercise, you find you’re the fittest person in the Paris A&E.

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