Origins
Sir Walter Raleigh was the inventor of smoking. He tried potatoes, but they didn’t burn very well, and ended up singeing the King of Spain’s beard. Mashed tobacco was just as bad an idea. Eventually he got it right.

Cigarette paper
Trade journal for tobacconists.

Fag
Public schoolboy detailed to buy cigarettes.

Tar
Informal response when someone offers you a cigarette.

Low tar
Informal response when you offer a Hobbit a cigarette.

Plain cigarettes
So strong they have to be smoked in the great outdoors.

Tip
Don’t smoke.

Rolling tobacco
Ancient pastime practised on the hillsides of Virginia.

Chewing tobacco
Lighting cigarettes has proved too tricky for some Americans.

Pipe tobacco
City-wide delivery system pioneered by the Victorians in London. Unfortunately one discarded match led to the city being nicknamed The Big Smoke.

Smoke ring
Secret organisation dedicated to clandestine indoor smoking.

Rough shag
Indulged in before a smoke.

Ready rubbed
Post coital smoke.

Ashtray
Noise smokers make when they sneeze.

Cigarette butt
Big ashtray.

Smokers cough
They do, they do.

Cigarette holder
Smoker.

Gitanes
Moi non plus.

Gauloises
The smell of France. Assuming you can got over the stench from the hole-in-the-floor toilets, the garlic breath, and the exhaust fumes from cars made from corrugated iron and onion peelings.

Marlboro man
Corpse.

Benson and Hedges
Comedy duo, whose biggest joke was: “I say, I say, I say – cigarette companies say they’ve got proof tobacco isn’t either addictive or dangerous!”. Smokers died laughing.

Cheroot
Wife of former prime minister.

Cigar
Sex toy of former president. Not related to the above. Definitely not related to the above.

Nicotine patches
Put on your jacket to cover the holes caused by burning ash.

Nicorette
Friend of Paris Hilton.

Nicotinell
Heavy-smoking orange seller of Restoration England.

Cancer
Star sign most smokers die under.

Conclusion
Your ash gets scattered.