Thomas Edison
Invented the lightbulb. Without it he couldn’t see how to work his phonograph.

Incandescent
Mrs Edison was very, very cross at the amount of time her husband was spending in the outhouse.

Filament
What Mr Edison’s marriage hung by.

Electric current
Early attempts to fit dried fruit with a plug failed to produce much illumination.

Voltage
You have to be over 18 to buy a bulb.

Screw fitting
We advise you to ignore this advice and use your hands instead.

Bayonet fitting
When British soldiers in the First World War ran out of daggers to attach to their rifles, they fell back on lightbulbs. This was very painful. The ones they didn’t break they attached to their guns. Unfortunately, the lightbulbs made them an easy target, especially as the extension leads meant they couldn’t run very far.

Street light
Urban bulb that won’t take any shit.

Bedside lamp
Bulb with a pleasant manner.

Frosted bulbs
They’re GRRRRREAT!

Energy-saving bulb
You don’t have to climb precariously on a chair every couple of weeks to replace it.

Halogen lamp
You need antihistamines to sit under one of these.

Strip light
A bulb so powerful you have to take your clothes off to cool down.

Arc light
Used to count the animals in two by two.

Fluorescent
The smell of bread. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

Vacuum
There’s one inside every lightbulb. But bugger me if I can see it.

Candela
Fungal infection of a screw fitting.

Lumen
What the end of the lightbulb is doing.

Ohms
“Illuminatory, my dear Watson”.

Watt
Exclamation when you can’t believe another one has blown.

Inefficient
Ninety per cent of the energy used by a lightbulb is wasted as heat. Ninety percent of the energy used by someone fitting a lightbulb is wasted as swearing.

Dimmer
Frame used by old people to stand up while changing lightbulbs.

Shade
1980s singer. Not much to do with lightbulbs.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Conclusion
Ping.