Reality TV
When television follows real, unscripted, ordinary events. Like when a middle-aged woman with learning difficulties is catapulted from obscurity, via stardom, then vilification, to the Priory in record time. Television just observes this natural behaviour.

Britain’s Got Talent
Well, maybe, but not the programme-makers, who, if they had any talent for English, would have called it “Britain HAS Talent”.

Piers Morgan
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. Didn’t have quite enough talent of his own to stay a national newspaper editor.

Simon Cowell
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent, Pop Idol, American Idol, and The X Factor. The reason his trouser waistband is so high is that he has a permanent erection at the thought of how many millions per second he is making.

Amanda Holden
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. It’s the contestants who prove the hypothesis.

Public vote
They also probably called it voting in the Middle Ages when groups of townspeople gathered around a girl with an unusual freckle, shouting, “BURN THE WITCH! BURN HER!! BURN HER TO ASHES!!!”

Pop Idol
Show where people become idols so the press can have a pop at them.

X Factor
Show where the winners become EX-stars even more quickly than they became stars.

Any Dream Will Do
Unless it’s the one where you are standing on Euston station with no trousers on, being hassled by an aggressive penguin that’s stealing all your giant marshmallows. That probably won’t impress Andrew Lloyd Wierdo.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
You have auditions. Like people have always done.

Fly on the wall
There are always flies around shit.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
Irony.

Bushtucker challenge
When failed Big Brother contestants have to eat out of Davina McCall’s b… hang on… you mean it isn’t?

Ant
What contestants have to eat during a bushtucker trial.

Dec
Area of a reality show around the lawn.

Big Brother
Show that, over the years, has featured a former drug addict, a sex addict, and series of opinionated, self-absorbed twats. And that’s just the presenters.

Diary room
Does not actually feature a diary as this would involve featuring people who can actually write.

Dannii Minogue
X Factor judge whose christening involved a vicar, a typewriter, and a sticky key.

Louis Walsh
X Factor judge who shows a remarkable keenness to groom… sorry, mentor… groups of young boys.

Boot camp
Louis Walsh’s shoes.

Gareth Gates
Singer with a terrible stutter who came second in the first series of Pop Idol. His stutter disappeared when he sang, but he doesn’t like to talk about it.

Fame Academy
Winners were David Sneddon and Alex Parks, which suggests it is less of a finishing school and more of a failing school.

Come Dine With Me
And do try the Hemlock Surprise.

Conclusion
You’re out of the house/room/jungle/academy, your dreams are in tatters, it’s raining and the whole world is talking about your personal problems. Still, at least they paid for your taxi to rehab. Then the taxi driver says you look just like that wanker on the telly…