Car pollution
President Obama is so worried about the low quality of vehicle emissions in the US he is setting new national standards.

Lead pollution
Carbon dioxide. It’s way out in the lead.

Carbon
Pollutant with carbohydrate attachment, making it particularly heavy. This explains the damage carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, hydrocarbons, etc, do.

Heavy metal
Metal with lots of carbs on.

Light pollution
What we need instead.

Ozone
Area around the former millennium dome where traffic jams form during U2 gigs as thousands of music lovers clog the roads trying desperately to escape.

Noise pollution
U2 gigs.

Pollutant
Tiny creature responsible for pollution. EG Bono.

Acid rain
Popular in the late Sixties.

Toxins
Polluters from Dallas, Ft Worth etc.

Smog
Fog in Scandinavia. Pronouced “smerg”.

Emission
What Yorkshire secret agents go on.

Smoke
Point of a greenhouse.

Greenhouse gas
Smell of perspiration and clandestine cigarettes.

Vapour trail
Follows you as you return from the greenhouse.

Algae
Biggles’s navigator. During a victory roll over the Channel he noticed the seas were turning green. Like the cockpit. And his trousers. Eventually Biggles got the message and stopped doing victory rolls when Algae had a hangover.

CFC
Chelsea Football Club. Have polluted the Premier Division with vast amounts of dodgy Russian money.

Effluent
Kind of society that produces a lot of pollution.

Litter
Raised seat carried by flunkies that rich people use to avoid all the waste paper on the pavements.

Prius
What many eco-friendly car drivers are.

Particulate
Kind of people who are very careful about the sort pollution they emit.

Water pollution
Many young swimmers are not so careful.

Raw sewage
Common in Japan.

Sick building syndrome
It’s called a hospital…

Pesticide
Killing a cockroach.

Herbicide
Killing a bay tree.

Insecticide
Killing a pollutant.

Environmentalist
Person driven insane by pollution.

The Great Smog
Magician. His foul-mouthed performance in 1952 in London forced the government to introduce the Clean Air Act.

Conclusion
Thanks to President Obama, we’re all saved. For about five minutes longer than we would have been otherwise.