The Beginners' Guide to:

Space exploration

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Ascent

Werner von Braun
Nazi inventor of Werner’s Originals, abducted by the Americans after the Second World War to kickstart their sweet industry.

Sputnik
Sound a Russian spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Apollo
After the Russians sent a dog and the Americans sent a monkey into space, the Italians planned to send a chicken.

Launch
What Italians eat the chicken for.

Laika
Sound of a happy Italian astronaut.

The Eagle has landed
It’s after the chicken.

Soyuz
What vegetarian cosmonauts eat.

Shuttle
Catching a bus to the launchpad.

Space station
Where it leaves from.

Hello, Houston, we have a problem
You’re a crack addict, you can’t sing any more, and your looks have gone.

Trajectory
What Apollo 13 nearly was.

Gagarin
What space chicken makes you do.

Yuri
Astronauts have a special bag for this.

Moonwalk
One small dancestep for man.

Spacewalk
One giant pirouette for mankind.

Earthrise
When the Earth rises over the lunar horizon, reminding those few brave souls who have braved the hazards of space to travel to our only satellite and discover it a dead husk, that our planet is a priceless oasis of habitability in an inhospitable universe, and that we have an obligation to future generations of humanity to stop destroying it with our selfish greed. It’s also quite pretty and makes a nice pic.

UFO
What Alexei Leonov said to Moscow when they told him to go for the first spacewalk.

LEM
Liberal Democrat politician who looks and sounds like an alien.

NASA
Sound an American spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Little green man
Astronaut with travel sickness.

Capsule
What a sick astronaut takes.

Splashdown
Tricky manoeuvre performed on a toilet in zero gravity after eating a dodgy chicken.

Descent
I wouldn’t go in de space toilet for a while.

Launch pad
Home of single, swinging, astronauts.

Spacesuit
Cut to accommodate one’s space-helmet.

Launch window
Important to make sure this is shut.

Retro rockets
They’re slightly flared.

Solid-fuel booster
“You’re much better than that liquid fuel, you really are.”

Module
Part of the course: “How To Be An Astronaut”.

Chinese space programme
The countdown goes: “I’ll have a number 10, followed by a number three, followed by a number seven…”

European space programme
Run by the French, who plan to put a cheese-eating surrender-monkey into orbit.

British space programme
“The Sky At Night” with Patrick Moore.

Virgin Galactic
Richard Branson plans to go into space if he can find enough rich people to pay. There is a fund-raising page: http://www.sendthesmugannoyingtitintospace.com. The companion page, http://www.bringthesmugannoyingtitbackfromspace.com is not as popular.

Conclusion
Getting to the moon was a race with the Soviet Union. If we want to get to Mars, the Americans need another rival ideology to compete with. So COME ON YOU TALIBAN SPACEMEN!!!

The Beginners' Guide to:

Afghanistan, war in

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Operation Ensuring Freedom
NATO-led mission ensuring insurgents the freedom to blow up allied troops.

Tragedy
How the Government describes the loss of each British soldier. The government is now responsible for more tragedies than Shakespeare, Seneca, and the entire canon of Greek dramatists combined.

Soviet invasion
In 1979 the Red Army invaded Afghanistan. After ten years they admitted they had failed and left. Gordon Brown is currently working out what they did wrong.

What the Soviets did wrong
They invaded Afghanistan. Gordon Brown will get there eventually…

Taliban
The word in its original Pashto language means “students”. So if Brown wants to really demoralise them he could start charging them top-up fees.

Saudi Arabia
Funded the hard-line mosques out of which the Taliban came. Also gave the world Osama Bin Laden. But we are their friends. Well, think what they’d do if we upset them.

Roadside bombs
Because Gordon Brown won’t give British soldiers enough helicopters, they have to drive everywhere. The Taliban are behaving very unsportingly by trying to blow them up while they do this.

Drones
What the British Government is full of. Its ministers never stop insisting that a) the conflict is winnable b) there are enough soldiers and equipment to do it and c) they are really, really sorry, honest, about every soldier they have sent there that dies.

Choppers
So called because they have been chopped from the list of things the Government will give the Army enough of.

Thin red line
British Army.

Thick yellow streak
British Government.

Defence Minister
Main job is defending Government policy.

Kabul
What the Defence Minister talks.

International forces
Soldiers from all over the world have converged on Afghanistan. A fair proportion of them are even on our side.

Mullah Omar
What the British and Americans are trying and failing to do.

Pakistan
Also engaged in the fight against the Taliban. Except when they’re not.

Afghan economy
Gordon Brown says he wants to create a stable economy in the country. He already has done. It provides 90 per cent of the heroin on British streets.

Hamid Karzai
Appropriate name for the president of a country going down the toilet.

Conclusion
Eventually we will pull out when it becomes obvious that we can’t win in Vietnam. Oh, hang on…

The Beginners' Guide to:

Afghanistan

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afghanistan_soldier-poppy-field

Operation Ensuring Freedom
NATO-led mission ensuring insurgents the freedom to blow up allied troops.

Tragedy
How the Government describes the loss of each British soldier. The government is now responsible for more tragedies than Shakespeare, Seneca, and the entire canon of Greek dramatists combined.

Soviet invasion
In 1979 the Red Army invaded Afghanistan. After ten years they admitted they had failed and left. Gordon Brown is currently working out what they did wrong.

What the Soviets did wrong
They invaded Afghanistan. Gordon Brown will get there eventually…

Taliban
The word in its original Pashto language means “students”. So if Brown wants to really demoralise them he could start charging them top-up fees.

Saudi Arabia
Funded the hard-line mosques out of which the Taliban came. Also gave the world Osama Bin Laden. But we are their friends. Well, think what they’d do if we upset them.

Roadside bombs
Because Gordon Brown won’t give British soldiers enough helicopters, they have to drive everywhere. The Taliban are behaving very unsportingly by trying to blow them up while they do this.

Drones
What the British Government is full of. Its ministers never stop insisting that a) the conflict is winnable b) there are enough soldiers and equipment to do it and c) they are really, really sorry, honest, about every soldier they have sent there that dies.

Choppers
So called because they have been chopped from the list of things the Government will give the Army enough of.

Thin red line
British Army.

Thick yellow streak
British Government.

Defence Minister
Main job is defending Government policy.

Kabul
What the Defence Minister talks.

International forces
Soldiers from all over the world have converged on Afghanistan. A fair proportion of them are even on our side.

Mullah Omar
What the British and Americans are trying and failing to do.

Pakistan
Also engaged in the fight against the Taliban. Except when they’re not.

Afghan economy
Gordon Brown says he wants to create a stable economy in the country. He already has done. It provides 90 per cent of the heroin on British streets.

Hamid Karzai
Appropriate name for the president of a country going down the toilet.

Conclusion
Eventually we will pull out when it becomes obvious that we can’t win in Vietnam. Oh, hang on…

The Beginners' Guide to:

Bible, The

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Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light” and lots of things appeared. How do we know there was nothing if all the lights were off?

Revelation
The Bible isn’t actually written by God. Sorry.

Ezekiel
Israelite sneezing.

Isaiah
There goes another one.

Thesssalllon…
…We’ll come back to that one.

Judges
The panel on Prophet Idol.

Passover
What the judges did to bad acts on Prophet Idol.

Last Judgement
The live final of Prophet Idol.

Abraham
Father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. He got about a bit.

Moses
Grandma of Jews Christians, and Muslims.

Methuselah
They just can’t stop sneezing.

Letters
The Bible has a lot of these.

Numbers
A lot of these too.

Verses
And a lot of these. No chorus, though.

Ruth
Is stranger than fiction.

Song of Solomon
“Got up in the morning, slaving for breakfast…”

Psalms
The sensitive bit of your hsands.

Flight from Egypt
Maiden journey of El Al.

Thesallonn…
…No, still not sure how to spell it.

Acts of the Apostles
Once Jesus had gone, the disciples had to come up with a new show. Thomas opened with his demonstration of doubting, Luke did a bit of walking on the water, and Peter, Paul, and Mary finished off with their Palestinian chart-toppers.

Cain and Abel
Double act. Often began with the gag: “Take my brother. No, go on, take my brother…”

Samson and Delilah
Another double act. Popularised the catchphrase: “Keep your hair on!”

Jehoshaphat
Had a jumping act.

Magi
Despotic leader who oppressed the Jews by killing the firstborn of union officials, taxing milk and honey, and selling off the camel trains.

Thessalonnin…
…Still doesn’t look right.

Promised Land
Chuck Berry song featured as light relief in the Book of Joshua.

Daniel
Travelling tonight on a plane. Probably the flight from Egypt.

Pilate
Man in the cockpit for the flight from Egypt.

Jude
Took the Song of Solomon and made it better.

Epistles
Internet versions of pistles. Best way for St Paul to stay in touch with the Corinthians, Romans, Thessalon… Thelllasson…. oh, for heavens’s sake…

Hosea
Another sneeze. Bless them.

Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Zachariah, Haggai, Habbakkuk
Various sizes of wine cask.

Hebrew
What goes in the wine cask.

Dead Sea Scrolls
Painful condition contracted by too much swimming in the Dead Sea. Explains Jesus’s preference for walking on the water.

Qumran
The lord is my shepherd. This is one of the commands to his sheepdog.

Conclusion
Thessalonians!!!

The Beginners' Guide to:

The Bible

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kjv-king-james-version-bible-first-edition-title-page-1611

Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light” and lots of things appeared. How do we know there was nothing if all the lights were off?

Revelation
The Bible isn’t actually written by God. Sorry.

Ezekiel
Israelite sneezing.

Isaiah
There goes another one.

Thesssalllon…
…We’ll come back to that one.

Judges
The panel on Prophet Idol.

Passover
What the judges did to bad acts on Prophet Idol.

Last Judgement
The live final of Prophet Idol.

Abraham
Father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. He got about a bit.

Moses
Grandma of Jews Christians, and Muslims.

Methuselah
They just can’t stop sneezing.

Letters
The Bible has a lot of these.

Numbers
A lot of these too.

Verses
And a lot of these. No chorus, though.

Ruth
Is stranger than fiction.

Song of Solomon
“Got up in the morning, slaving for breakfast…”

Psalms
The sensitive bit of your hsands.

Flight from Egypt
Maiden journey of El Al.

Thesallonn…
…No, still not sure how to spell it.

Acts of the Apostles
Once Jesus had gone, the disciples had to come up with a new show. Thomas opened with his demonstration of doubting, Luke did a bit of walking on the water, and Peter, Paul, and Mary finished off with their Palestinian chart-toppers.

Cain and Abel
Double act. Often began with the gag: “Take my brother. No, go on, take my brother…”

Samson and Delilah
Another double act. Popularised the catchphrase: “Keep your hair on!”

Jehoshaphat
Had a jumping act.

Magi
Despotic leader who oppressed the Jews by killing the firstborn of union officials, taxing milk and honey, and selling off the camel trains.

Thessalonnin…
…Still doesn’t look right.

Promised Land
Chuck Berry song featured as light relief in the Book of Joshua.

Daniel
Travelling tonight on a plane. Probably the flight from Egypt.

Pilate
Man in the cockpit for the flight from Egypt.

Jude
Took the Song of Solomon and made it better.

Epistles
Internet versions of pistles. Best way for St Paul to stay in touch with the Corinthians, Romans, Thessalon… Thelllasson…. oh, for heavens’s sake…

Hosea
Another sneeze. Bless them.

Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Zachariah, Haggai, Habbakkuk
Various sizes of wine cask.

Hebrew
What goes in the wine cask.

Dead Sea Scrolls
Painful condition contracted by too much swimming in the Dead Sea. Explains Jesus’s preference for walking on the water.

Qumran
The lord is my shepherd. This is one of the commands to his sheepdog.

Conclusion
Thessalonians!!!

The Beginners' Guide to:

DEATH

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Death certificate
You won’t be allowed to die unless you get one of these. Questions include: Do you dress predominantly in beige? Do you tut every time you turn the TV on? Do you smell faintly of catfood even after a shower?

Grim Reaper
The Jolly Reaper, the Reaper with the Big Fat Smile, and the Singing, Dancing Reaper in the Pantaloons didn’t really cut it.

Last words
Zymurgy, Zythepsary, and Zythum.

Dying wish
HELP!!!!!!

Clinical death
An expertly performed demise.

Overdose
You think you are, and then it kills you.

Coma
Some people take a very long time to reach full stop.

Time to meet your maker
And ask for a refund.

Absence of vital signs
Often associated with death. Involves lack of directions such as “Blind Bend”, “Danger, 20,000 Volts”, and “Quicksand”.

Shroud
You shroud have driven more slowly.

Coroner
Beer drunk at a wake.

Lying in state
When the undertaker hasn’t had a chance to tidy up the corpse.

Laying out the body
Having a fight with the corpse because you’ve drunk too much coroner.

Cadaver
Rogueish corpse that eyes up young ladies with bounderish intent.

Crematorium
Place where bodies are burned. It helps to be dead first.

Funeral
What smoke comes out of at the crematorium.

Pyre
Tall structure used for cremation in ancient times. The body is placed a long way up so mourners can’t hear the screams if the witchdoctors have got it wrong. Has been suggested for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher.

Vault
Unit of electricity used to execute juvenile or mentally disturbed ethnic minority Americans.

Hearse
When a couple dies, they have his and hearse corteges.

State funeral
Funeral!

Mourner
Greeting spoken at funerals in the West Country.

Elegy
If you’ve got one of these, you’re a scientist. Albeit a dead scientist.

Grave
French accent. Used when French doctors are giving patients mauvais news.

Inter
Football team comprised of Italian gravediggers.

Headstone
Way a footballer can die.

Six feet under
Death of a threesome.

Wake
Curious name for celebration when this is the last thing the deceased is expected to do.

Urn
What dead pop stars continue to do after death.

Decompose
What classical musicians do after death.

“If I should die, think only this of me”
That there is some corner of a foreign field that will be forever attractive to local dogs.

“Rage against the dying of the light”
Especially when it’s your last cigarette.

“Death, where is thy sting?”
Unfortunate mix-up between Grim Reaper and honeybee.

“The evil that men do is oft interred with their bones”
But not always. Michael Jackson’s songs are all over the radio.

Afterlife
Bit like an afterparty. Promises lots of fun, but you’re not sure if you’ll be let in even if you can find it in the first place.

Reincarnation
The idea that you’ll come back as a butterfly or a beetle. Scientists have squashed this notion.

Will
Won’t.

Conclusion
Or is it?…

The Beginners' Guide to:

Tennis

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Net
Profit made by Wimbledon from hundreds of thousands of visitors who claim to like tennis for two weeks of the year when, in fact, they spend most of their time eating soft fruit, drinking Pimm’s, and waving dementedly at TV cameras like middle-class versions of the auditionees in The X Factor.

Fred Perry
Evil genius who used his fame as a winner of Wimbledon to flood the world with pastel-coloured short-sleeved sports shirts with all the fashion appeal of Tim Henman’s haircut.

Tim Henman’s haircut
Modelled on Anne Widdecombe’s as a ploy to distract his opponents. This ultimately failed as the really good ones know to look at the ball, not their opponents’ head.

Real tennis
As opposed to the matches that took place inside Tim Henman’s head, and which he won.

Sharapova, Kusnetzova, Petrova
It’s all ova now.

Scoring system
In the men’s game, generally heterosexual. The women’s game is more fluid.

Knock up
See “Scoring system”

Lawn Tennis
Form of tennis that caught on in the Victorian era. Larder Tennis, Cupboard Under The Stairs Tennis, and Horse-Drawn Carriage Tennis didn’t really catch on.

Tennis Pro
See “Knock Up”.

Davis Cup
Variety of Pimm’s served with strawberries.

Smash
One Davis Cup too many.

Ball boys and girls
In days gone by, when players ran out of balls, children from the local workhouse were hit over the net.

Racquet
Noise the ballboys and girls made.

Tramline
Way that poor ballboys and girls used to get to Wimbledon. Commemorated in the name of the part of the court where their dead bodies would be laid out before collection at the end of each match.

Umpire
Referee who sits on a tall chair. When tennis began, local workmen were employed to ‘ump ‘im ‘igher, leading to the name.

Lob
Spectator who didn’t go to a good enough school.

Ooh I say
Tennis equivalent of “fuck me!”

Backhand
Type of compliment that’s really an insult, eg, “She’s the British number one”.

Rally
The Nuremburg Open.

Service line
White mark you stand behind waiting for strawberries and cream.

Service break
The strawberries have run out.

Cliff
What anyone who sings at Wimbledon should be thrown off.

Murray mount
Lots of women aim for this at Wimbledon every year. Apparently, you can’t hurry a Murray mount.

Nadal
Type of Spanish orange. Spanish, orange, tennis player, that is.

Federer
Type of hat worn by stylistically-challenged Swiss men.

Sampras
Character from The Virginian who went on to have a successful career as Pistol Pete the tennis player.

Borg
Automaton at war with the Tennis Federation.

Lendl
Film starring Barbra Streisand as a cross-dressing Jewish tennis player.

Hawkeye
Friend of Sampras.

Slice
Lemon found in Davis Cup.

Return
Cheapest ticket for the tramline. Many ballboys and girls didn’t use the second portion of the ticket.

Doubles
It’s happy hour at the Davis Cup tent.

Mixed doubles
The snakebite of the Davis Cup tent.

Top seed
Type of grass favoured by Wimbledon.

Second seed
Sowing the court takes a long time as they have to…

Third seed
…count every bit of grass…

Fourth seed
…that goes into the court.

Set
Comprises two racquets, a net and some balls. They cost £9.99 from Argos.

Tiebreak
When the game has to stop because someone in the crowd isn’t correctly attired for the occasion.

Wimbledon
Head of the Tennis Mafia.

Advantage
What the children of rich parents who can afford tennis lessons have.

Overrule
There are six balls in an over. Not a lot to do with tennis.

Conclusion
A foreigner wins again. But no-one cares that much because they’re not really into the tennis anyway.

The Beginners' Guide to:

SMOKING

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smoking

Origins
Sir Walter Raleigh was the inventor of smoking. He tried potatoes, but they didn’t burn very well, and ended up singeing the King of Spain’s beard. Mashed tobacco was just as bad an idea. Eventually he got it right.

Cigarette paper
Trade journal for tobacconists.

Fag
Public schoolboy detailed to buy cigarettes.

Tar
Informal response when someone offers you a cigarette.

Low tar
Informal response when you offer a Hobbit a cigarette.

Plain cigarettes
So strong they have to be smoked in the great outdoors.

Tip
Don’t smoke.

Rolling tobacco
Ancient pastime practised on the hillsides of Virginia.

Chewing tobacco
Lighting cigarettes has proved too tricky for some Americans.

Pipe tobacco
City-wide delivery system pioneered by the Victorians in London. Unfortunately one discarded match led to the city being nicknamed The Big Smoke.

Smoke ring
Secret organisation dedicated to clandestine indoor smoking.

Rough shag
Indulged in before a smoke.

Ready rubbed
Post coital smoke.

Ashtray
Noise smokers make when they sneeze.

Cigarette butt
Big ashtray.

Smokers cough
They do, they do.

Cigarette holder
Smoker.

Gitanes
Moi non plus.

Gauloises
The smell of France. Assuming you can got over the stench from the hole-in-the-floor toilets, the garlic breath, and the exhaust fumes from cars made from corrugated iron and onion peelings.

Marlboro man
Corpse.

Benson and Hedges
Comedy duo, whose biggest joke was: “I say, I say, I say – cigarette companies say they’ve got proof tobacco isn’t either addictive or dangerous!”. Smokers died laughing.

Cheroot
Wife of former prime minister.

Cigar
Sex toy of former president. Not related to the above. Definitely not related to the above.

Nicotine patches
Put on your jacket to cover the holes caused by burning ash.

Nicorette
Friend of Paris Hilton.

Nicotinell
Heavy-smoking orange seller of Restoration England.

Cancer
Star sign most smokers die under.

Conclusion
Your ash gets scattered.

The Beginners' Guide to:

Reality TV

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Reality TV
When television follows real, unscripted, ordinary events. Like when a middle-aged woman with learning difficulties is catapulted from obscurity, via stardom, then vilification, to the Priory in record time. Television just observes this natural behaviour.

Britain’s Got Talent
Well, maybe, but not the programme-makers, who, if they had any talent for English, would have called it “Britain HAS Talent”.

Piers Morgan
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. Didn’t have quite enough talent of his own to stay a national newspaper editor.

Simon Cowell
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent, Pop Idol, American Idol, and The X Factor. The reason his trouser waistband is so high is that he has a permanent erection at the thought of how many millions per second he is making.

Amanda Holden
Judge on Britain’s Got Talent. It’s the contestants who prove the hypothesis.

Public vote
They also probably called it voting in the Middle Ages when groups of townspeople gathered around a girl with an unusual freckle, shouting, “BURN THE WITCH! BURN HER!! BURN HER TO ASHES!!!”

Pop Idol
Show where people become idols so the press can have a pop at them.

X Factor
Show where the winners become EX-stars even more quickly than they became stars.

Any Dream Will Do
Unless it’s the one where you are standing on Euston station with no trousers on, being hassled by an aggressive penguin that’s stealing all your giant marshmallows. That probably won’t impress Andrew Lloyd Wierdo.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
You have auditions. Like people have always done.

Fly on the wall
There are always flies around shit.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
Irony.

Bushtucker challenge
When failed Big Brother contestants have to eat out of Davina McCall’s b… hang on… you mean it isn’t?

Ant
What contestants have to eat during a bushtucker trial.

Dec
Area of a reality show around the lawn.

Big Brother
Show that, over the years, has featured a former drug addict, a sex addict, and series of opinionated, self-absorbed twats. And that’s just the presenters.

Diary room
Does not actually feature a diary as this would involve featuring people who can actually write.

Dannii Minogue
X Factor judge whose christening involved a vicar, a typewriter, and a sticky key.

Louis Walsh
X Factor judge who shows a remarkable keenness to groom… sorry, mentor… groups of young boys.

Boot camp
Louis Walsh’s shoes.

Gareth Gates
Singer with a terrible stutter who came second in the first series of Pop Idol. His stutter disappeared when he sang, but he doesn’t like to talk about it.

Fame Academy
Winners were David Sneddon and Alex Parks, which suggests it is less of a finishing school and more of a failing school.

Come Dine With Me
And do try the Hemlock Surprise.

Conclusion
You’re out of the house/room/jungle/academy, your dreams are in tatters, it’s raining and the whole world is talking about your personal problems. Still, at least they paid for your taxi to rehab. Then the taxi driver says you look just like that wanker on the telly…

The Beginners' Guide to:

Scientology

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L Ron Hubbard
Went to the cupboard, but the cupboard was bare. Except for some golden tablets. Which he popped and came up with…

Dianetics
Slimming system that works particularly well on people’s wallets.

Scientology
Word that combines the Latin “scientia”, meaning “skill”, and the Greek “ology”, meaning “getting tragically gullible people to hand over their cash”.

Beliefs
75 million years ago billions of aliens came to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners with no engines, stacked them around volcanoes and detonated hydrogen bombs. The souls of the aliens then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living, and continue to do this today, making us all feel a bit poorly. Scientologists believe they can make lots of rich people believe this.

Thetan
What church elders get while using your money for theholiday on thebeach.

Questionnaire
In the hands of people who stop you in the street. Contains questions like, “If I smile at you like a demented Mormon, will you give me all your money?”.

Electropsychometer
Electric device designed to measure the number of bonkers people in Scientology. Has a particularly large screen.

Past lives
We are all aliens trapped in human bodies. It’s just that some human bodies are smaller than others (eg Tom Cruise), some are uglier than others (eg John Travolta), and some have brains that wouldn’t see the scam even if it involved a fair, a man in a fez, a fiver, and three upturned cups (eg Katie Holmes, Beck, Juliette Lewis, Jason Lee).

Cult
Tom Cruise.

Xenu
Warrior princess. Marginally more believable than Tom Cruise.

Auditing sessions
What your accountant never has to do again as the Church of Scientology has taken all your money.

Prison rehabilitation
Scientology is famous for trying to rehabilitate criminals and drug addicts. It is still trying with L Ron Hubbard.

The Way to Happiness
Scientology pamphlet describing its morality. This is not a large document.

Reincarnation
What the elders would need to spend all the money they have stolen collected.

Battlefield Earth
The French courts, where Scientology is trying to prove it is not a fraud.

Religion
But of course it is. It’s a religion. It is based on ludicrous events that can neither be proved nor disproved, is exceedingly well funded by blindly faithful devotees and does not take kindly to criticism.

Conclusion
We hear from their lawyers.

Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…