MEDICINE

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Origins
The first person to take any form of medicine was the ancient Greek Asclepius as he used to carry a big stick with a snake coiled around it that kept biting him.

Shot
What the snake eventually was.

Tablets
Medicine God gave to Moses.

Pharmacology
Medicines made from rural areas.

Physiology
Medicines with a widget in them.

Pathology
Medicines made by compulsive liars.

Clinical trials
What the liars face if they’re found out.

Symptoms
Cartoon show about the antics of a family of yellow-coloured chemists from Springfield.

Prescription
Writing on the back of the packet telling you what the pills look like.

Dose
Telling the chemist which pills you want with a stuffy nose.

Course
What the chemist has to pass before they’re allowed to serve anyone.

Allergy
What French chemists receive after passing their exams.

Side effects
Artistic lighting on the chemists shop.

Dissolve
Breaking down in tears when the chemist says they’ve run out of the medicine you need.

Preventative medicine
You should have phoned ahead to check they had some in stock.

Homoeopathic medicine
Taking medicine in your house.

Palliative medicine
Taking medicine in a friends’ house.

Inoculate
Giving medicine to a Dalek.

WHO
Dr that gives medicine to the Dalek.

Tamiflu
Anti-flu treatment favoured by buxom, blonde, American country and western singers.

Cough mixture
Phlegm, nasal mucus and specks of green stuff.

Vaccination
Giving up on the local chemist and going abroad to buy your medicine.

Conclusion
‘Laughter is the best medicine’, so read this guide three times a day after food.

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Jogging

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Origins
Jogging is running for walkers.

Dangers of jogging
Looking a pillock to your trophy wife when you faint on the steps of the Elysee Palace.

Warm up
Pre-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises.

Warm down
Post-exercise exercises. So they’re, like, exercises too.

Cross trainer
Runner who has just stepped in dog poo.

Cross country
North Korea. Not much to do with jogging.

Training regime
Dictatorship still at the apprentice stage.

Stretch
What joggers have to do to avoid dog poo.

Push up
Bra worn by image-conscious female jogger.

Track suits
People who control the jogging business.

Jogging bottoms
What female runners would like to get rid of.

Singlet
Small vocalist. Not much to do with jogging.

Running shorts
Inadvisable consumption of vodka on the move.

Reps
Salespeople trying to get you to buy the latest trainers.

Personal trainer
Shoe that only you wear.

Cushion sole
Inserting a fish to reduce the impact on your ankles.

Air sole
What you’ll get called if you develop a particularly silly running style to impress your trophy wife.

Stopwatch
You don’t want people looking at you till you’re properly fit.

Pedometer
Jogger on the police sex-offenders register.

10k
What all the gear will cost you.

Running partner
Spouse who has got fed up with your obsession with exercise.

Joint pain
You can’t have one while you’re running.

Cramp
Painful condition caused by jogging in a confined space.

Stitch
Painful condition caused by sewing in a confined space.

Abs
First bit of the word “absolutely”. After a run you’re too knackered to manage the rest of long words like this.

The wall
What you lean against, trying to breathe while your eyes begin bulging out on stalks.

Blister
Type of pack the painkillers you’ll need come in.

Pacemaker
Jogging companion whose job it is to restart your heart when you collapse.

Roadrunner
Cartoon jogger.

Lap
Jogger from the north of Europe.

Running track
Native American. Related to Running Shoe.

Knee support
Foot.

Athletes foot
You’ll need two.

Jogger’s nipple
Oil here in the case of chafing.

Calves
Run round these.

Cartilage
Ancient city of joggers, eventually overrun by Rome.

Go for the burn
Have a curry afterwards

Second wind
Dietary malfunction. It’s that curry.

Conclusion
After months of strenuous exercise, you find you’re the fittest person in the Paris A&E.

Space exploration

Ascent

Werner von Braun
Nazi inventor of Werner’s Originals, abducted by the Americans after the Second World War to kickstart their sweet industry.

Sputnik
Sound a Russian spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Apollo
After the Russians sent a dog and the Americans sent a monkey into space, the Italians planned to send a chicken.

Launch
What Italians eat the chicken for.

Laika
Sound of a happy Italian astronaut.

The Eagle has landed
It’s after the chicken.

Soyuz
What vegetarian cosmonauts eat.

Shuttle
Catching a bus to the launchpad.

Space station
Where it leaves from.

Hello, Houston, we have a problem
You’re a crack addict, you can’t sing any more, and your looks have gone.

Trajectory
What Apollo 13 nearly was.

Gagarin
What space chicken makes you do.

Yuri
Astronauts have a special bag for this.

Moonwalk
One small dancestep for man.

Spacewalk
One giant pirouette for mankind.

Earthrise
When the Earth rises over the lunar horizon, reminding those few brave souls who have braved the hazards of space to travel to our only satellite and discover it a dead husk, that our planet is a priceless oasis of habitability in an inhospitable universe, and that we have an obligation to future generations of humanity to stop destroying it with our selfish greed. It’s also quite pretty and makes a nice pic.

UFO
What Alexei Leonov said to Moscow when they told him to go for the first spacewalk.

LEM
Liberal Democrat politician who looks and sounds like an alien.

NASA
Sound an American spaceman makes when he sneezes inside his helmet.

Little green man
Astronaut with travel sickness.

Capsule
What a sick astronaut takes.

Splashdown
Tricky manoeuvre performed on a toilet in zero gravity after eating a dodgy chicken.

Descent
I wouldn’t go in de space toilet for a while.

Launch pad
Home of single, swinging, astronauts.

Spacesuit
Cut to accommodate one’s space-helmet.

Launch window
Important to make sure this is shut.

Retro rockets
They’re slightly flared.

Solid-fuel booster
“You’re much better than that liquid fuel, you really are.”

Module
Part of the course: “How To Be An Astronaut”.

Chinese space programme
The countdown goes: “I’ll have a number 10, followed by a number three, followed by a number seven…”

European space programme
Run by the French, who plan to put a cheese-eating surrender-monkey into orbit.

British space programme
“The Sky At Night” with Patrick Moore.

Virgin Galactic
Richard Branson plans to go into space if he can find enough rich people to pay. There is a fund-raising page: http://www.sendthesmugannoyingtitintospace.com. The companion page, http://www.bringthesmugannoyingtitbackfromspace.com is not as popular.

Conclusion
Getting to the moon was a race with the Soviet Union. If we want to get to Mars, the Americans need another rival ideology to compete with. So COME ON YOU TALIBAN SPACEMEN!!!

Afghanistan, war in

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Operation Ensuring Freedom
NATO-led mission ensuring insurgents the freedom to blow up allied troops.

Tragedy
How the Government describes the loss of each British soldier. The government is now responsible for more tragedies than Shakespeare, Seneca, and the entire canon of Greek dramatists combined.

Soviet invasion
In 1979 the Red Army invaded Afghanistan. After ten years they admitted they had failed and left. Gordon Brown is currently working out what they did wrong.

What the Soviets did wrong
They invaded Afghanistan. Gordon Brown will get there eventually…

Taliban
The word in its original Pashto language means “students”. So if Brown wants to really demoralise them he could start charging them top-up fees.

Saudi Arabia
Funded the hard-line mosques out of which the Taliban came. Also gave the world Osama Bin Laden. But we are their friends. Well, think what they’d do if we upset them.

Roadside bombs
Because Gordon Brown won’t give British soldiers enough helicopters, they have to drive everywhere. The Taliban are behaving very unsportingly by trying to blow them up while they do this.

Drones
What the British Government is full of. Its ministers never stop insisting that a) the conflict is winnable b) there are enough soldiers and equipment to do it and c) they are really, really sorry, honest, about every soldier they have sent there that dies.

Choppers
So called because they have been chopped from the list of things the Government will give the Army enough of.

Thin red line
British Army.

Thick yellow streak
British Government.

Defence Minister
Main job is defending Government policy.

Kabul
What the Defence Minister talks.

International forces
Soldiers from all over the world have converged on Afghanistan. A fair proportion of them are even on our side.

Mullah Omar
What the British and Americans are trying and failing to do.

Pakistan
Also engaged in the fight against the Taliban. Except when they’re not.

Afghan economy
Gordon Brown says he wants to create a stable economy in the country. He already has done. It provides 90 per cent of the heroin on British streets.

Hamid Karzai
Appropriate name for the president of a country going down the toilet.

Conclusion
Eventually we will pull out when it becomes obvious that we can’t win in Vietnam. Oh, hang on…

Afghanistan

afghanistan_soldier-poppy-field

Operation Ensuring Freedom
NATO-led mission ensuring insurgents the freedom to blow up allied troops.

Tragedy
How the Government describes the loss of each British soldier. The government is now responsible for more tragedies than Shakespeare, Seneca, and the entire canon of Greek dramatists combined.

Soviet invasion
In 1979 the Red Army invaded Afghanistan. After ten years they admitted they had failed and left. Gordon Brown is currently working out what they did wrong.

What the Soviets did wrong
They invaded Afghanistan. Gordon Brown will get there eventually…

Taliban
The word in its original Pashto language means “students”. So if Brown wants to really demoralise them he could start charging them top-up fees.

Saudi Arabia
Funded the hard-line mosques out of which the Taliban came. Also gave the world Osama Bin Laden. But we are their friends. Well, think what they’d do if we upset them.

Roadside bombs
Because Gordon Brown won’t give British soldiers enough helicopters, they have to drive everywhere. The Taliban are behaving very unsportingly by trying to blow them up while they do this.

Drones
What the British Government is full of. Its ministers never stop insisting that a) the conflict is winnable b) there are enough soldiers and equipment to do it and c) they are really, really sorry, honest, about every soldier they have sent there that dies.

Choppers
So called because they have been chopped from the list of things the Government will give the Army enough of.

Thin red line
British Army.

Thick yellow streak
British Government.

Defence Minister
Main job is defending Government policy.

Kabul
What the Defence Minister talks.

International forces
Soldiers from all over the world have converged on Afghanistan. A fair proportion of them are even on our side.

Mullah Omar
What the British and Americans are trying and failing to do.

Pakistan
Also engaged in the fight against the Taliban. Except when they’re not.

Afghan economy
Gordon Brown says he wants to create a stable economy in the country. He already has done. It provides 90 per cent of the heroin on British streets.

Hamid Karzai
Appropriate name for the president of a country going down the toilet.

Conclusion
Eventually we will pull out when it becomes obvious that we can’t win in Vietnam. Oh, hang on…

Bible, The

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Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light” and lots of things appeared. How do we know there was nothing if all the lights were off?

Revelation
The Bible isn’t actually written by God. Sorry.

Ezekiel
Israelite sneezing.

Isaiah
There goes another one.

Thesssalllon…
…We’ll come back to that one.

Judges
The panel on Prophet Idol.

Passover
What the judges did to bad acts on Prophet Idol.

Last Judgement
The live final of Prophet Idol.

Abraham
Father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. He got about a bit.

Moses
Grandma of Jews Christians, and Muslims.

Methuselah
They just can’t stop sneezing.

Letters
The Bible has a lot of these.

Numbers
A lot of these too.

Verses
And a lot of these. No chorus, though.

Ruth
Is stranger than fiction.

Song of Solomon
“Got up in the morning, slaving for breakfast…”

Psalms
The sensitive bit of your hsands.

Flight from Egypt
Maiden journey of El Al.

Thesallonn…
…No, still not sure how to spell it.

Acts of the Apostles
Once Jesus had gone, the disciples had to come up with a new show. Thomas opened with his demonstration of doubting, Luke did a bit of walking on the water, and Peter, Paul, and Mary finished off with their Palestinian chart-toppers.

Cain and Abel
Double act. Often began with the gag: “Take my brother. No, go on, take my brother…”

Samson and Delilah
Another double act. Popularised the catchphrase: “Keep your hair on!”

Jehoshaphat
Had a jumping act.

Magi
Despotic leader who oppressed the Jews by killing the firstborn of union officials, taxing milk and honey, and selling off the camel trains.

Thessalonnin…
…Still doesn’t look right.

Promised Land
Chuck Berry song featured as light relief in the Book of Joshua.

Daniel
Travelling tonight on a plane. Probably the flight from Egypt.

Pilate
Man in the cockpit for the flight from Egypt.

Jude
Took the Song of Solomon and made it better.

Epistles
Internet versions of pistles. Best way for St Paul to stay in touch with the Corinthians, Romans, Thessalon… Thelllasson…. oh, for heavens’s sake…

Hosea
Another sneeze. Bless them.

Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Zachariah, Haggai, Habbakkuk
Various sizes of wine cask.

Hebrew
What goes in the wine cask.

Dead Sea Scrolls
Painful condition contracted by too much swimming in the Dead Sea. Explains Jesus’s preference for walking on the water.

Qumran
The lord is my shepherd. This is one of the commands to his sheepdog.

Conclusion
Thessalonians!!!

The Bible

kjv-king-james-version-bible-first-edition-title-page-1611

Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light” and lots of things appeared. How do we know there was nothing if all the lights were off?

Revelation
The Bible isn’t actually written by God. Sorry.

Ezekiel
Israelite sneezing.

Isaiah
There goes another one.

Thesssalllon…
…We’ll come back to that one.

Judges
The panel on Prophet Idol.

Passover
What the judges did to bad acts on Prophet Idol.

Last Judgement
The live final of Prophet Idol.

Abraham
Father of Jews, Christians, and Muslims. He got about a bit.

Moses
Grandma of Jews Christians, and Muslims.

Methuselah
They just can’t stop sneezing.

Letters
The Bible has a lot of these.

Numbers
A lot of these too.

Verses
And a lot of these. No chorus, though.

Ruth
Is stranger than fiction.

Song of Solomon
“Got up in the morning, slaving for breakfast…”

Psalms
The sensitive bit of your hsands.

Flight from Egypt
Maiden journey of El Al.

Thesallonn…
…No, still not sure how to spell it.

Acts of the Apostles
Once Jesus had gone, the disciples had to come up with a new show. Thomas opened with his demonstration of doubting, Luke did a bit of walking on the water, and Peter, Paul, and Mary finished off with their Palestinian chart-toppers.

Cain and Abel
Double act. Often began with the gag: “Take my brother. No, go on, take my brother…”

Samson and Delilah
Another double act. Popularised the catchphrase: “Keep your hair on!”

Jehoshaphat
Had a jumping act.

Magi
Despotic leader who oppressed the Jews by killing the firstborn of union officials, taxing milk and honey, and selling off the camel trains.

Thessalonnin…
…Still doesn’t look right.

Promised Land
Chuck Berry song featured as light relief in the Book of Joshua.

Daniel
Travelling tonight on a plane. Probably the flight from Egypt.

Pilate
Man in the cockpit for the flight from Egypt.

Jude
Took the Song of Solomon and made it better.

Epistles
Internet versions of pistles. Best way for St Paul to stay in touch with the Corinthians, Romans, Thessalon… Thelllasson…. oh, for heavens’s sake…

Hosea
Another sneeze. Bless them.

Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Zachariah, Haggai, Habbakkuk
Various sizes of wine cask.

Hebrew
What goes in the wine cask.

Dead Sea Scrolls
Painful condition contracted by too much swimming in the Dead Sea. Explains Jesus’s preference for walking on the water.

Qumran
The lord is my shepherd. This is one of the commands to his sheepdog.

Conclusion
Thessalonians!!!

Not FOR beginners, but BY beginners…